Oh man, what luck. I happened to be in Buzz's and Batch's office just when this Intel (INTC) - Get Report news hit. Let's go there.

Cramer

: What's the news on Intel?

Buzz

: Just hit

Reuters

, not on

Dow Jones

yet. They are splitting the stock, two for one. (To Batch): Take it, take the May 125 calls, trap them, trap those Kodiaks. Come on man!!

Batch

: (To

Morgan

derivative desk wire). Nips, I don't seen any news on Intel, there is nothing going on. Can you get me an offering on 2000 Intel May 125s with the stock at 121? Whaddya say? No, there is nothing going on. No, I mean it. I swear it. Mother's grave, man! At 5/8, put me up, buddy!!! Thanks, you won't regret it!! I know nothing!!!! Just a spec!!!!!

Batch

: I just got

Morgan Stanley

short 2,500 May 125 calls at a plain 5/8 because they hadn't seen the Intel split news. We are going to rip their eyes out on this one. (Smacks fist with Buzz.)

Buzz

: Well done, Batch. Way to screw 'em and make good money. You da man!

Cramer

: The news just hit the

Dow Jones

tape about the split. Is that the Morgan light that's ringing?

Buzz

: Don't worry Batch, I will cover for you. (To Morgan.) Uh, Chuck, uh, uh, Batch, yeah, haven't seen him. I think he is in the gents. (Winks at Batch). Intel? Huh, what's the news there? Split? Hey, splits don't matter, we all know that. You're hurt. We bought them for 5/8 and they are now at 2? Hey man, welcome to the

NFL

, which means "Not for Long!" (Hangs up.) Batch, do some no-brainer biz with Morgan later today. I feel bad for them.

Cramer

: Wasn't that wrong?

Buzz

: "Cramoo, this is a dog-eat-dog world now that the

Nazzdogs

don't have it like they used to. Not only that, but the old guys, like the guys at Morgan, they don't believe splits move things anyway. So what's the big deal?

Batch

: (Hits

Smith Barney

light.) Hey, I see you guys are bidding two bucks for 2,000 of the Intel May 125 calls. I whack your bid. Stopped there? Thanks man! (Off phone.) Buzz, we just made a buck and change on some Intel split news!

Buzz

: Another day above ground is a good day, man!! Break out the Stoly! Cramer, care for a nip?

Cramer

: Nah, I gotta go to my daughter's birthday party.

Batch

: Wuss!

Buzz

: Double wuss!

James J. Cramer is manager of a hedge fund and co-founder of TheStreet.com. At time of publication, his fund was long Intel. His fund often buys and sells securities that are the subject of his columns, both before and after the columns are published, and the positions that his fund takes may change at any time. Under no circumstances does the information in this column represent a recommendation to buy or sell stocks. Cramer's writings provide insights into the dynamics of money management and are not a solicitation for transactions. While he cannot provide investment advice or recommendations, he invites you to comment on his column at

jjcletters@thestreet.com.