Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.



case went to the jury, but not before the government told jurors that if they convict, they promise not to tap their phones for two whole weeks.

In related news,




both denied that they shared data with the NSA, and that the government has the phone records to prove it.

Oh wait!

The other day, I asked my friend, "Can you hear me now?" and 13 people answered "Yes." One even asked me to "put the lotion in the basket."

Bausch & Lomb

issued a worldwide recall of it's ReNu with MoistureLoc, saying that its misuse could put people at risk, to which Chuck Heston said: "They can have my tears when the pry them from my cold, dead eyes!"

The company's stock price rose on news of the recall, proving, yet again, that admitting mistakes is good business. Which reminds me ... my junior year in college, when I forgot to meet Shannon Follett for dinner: I wasn't at the library, I was drunk. I apologize. Now where's my money?

NYC officials have set a July deadline for a wireless network in Central Park because it's much more important to wire nature than it is to rebuild lower Manhattan.

If we have peace and quiet, then the terrorists win.

I can't tell you how many times I've been online and thought, "If there's anything that will mollify the uppity squirrel population, it's more



So, here's the plan: Use the computer, strain your eyes, need contacts, get Bausch & Lombs, require surgery, pay HMOs, be barred from malpractice suits, wash rinse repeat.

In actual legal news,

Lincare Holdings

settled a case in which the company was accused of paying doctors to recommend its home oxygen system. Selling something free and available like oxygen, eh? That explains my new prescription for


"Stop hitting yourself! Why are you hitting yourself?"

A federal judge extended supervision of


and, in a totally unrelated coincidence, all of his home electronics stopped working.

Home Depot

faces a class-action lawsuit from pumpkin farmers who claim the company devalued orange.

In South Korea, the chairman of


was indicted for misappropriating about $136 million. "Indicted?" That means "given a multimillion-dollar severance and/or an ambassadorship," right? Things get lost in translation.

Several record companies sued

XM Radio

for allowing free downloads, saying the freebies would ruin the music industry ... just like the tape recorder did.

Here's an idea: Let 'em give it away for free. Then we'll weed out the studio pawns who are just in it for the money, and we'll be left only with those who do it for the love, who are willing to struggle for their art, to play original, inspiring, quality music in live venues that create communities instead of dividing us into digitally isolated ISP numbers.

Sure, then I'd have less to criticize, but at least I could turn on the radio without cringing.

Hey everyone! We got one of the bastards driving our country to record deficits and economic ruin!! Original


winner Richard Hatch was sentenced to four years in jail for tax evasion. And yet,


CEO just keeps breathing free air. Maybe Lincare can charge him?

The Supreme Court remanded a case involving


TheStreet Recommends

"Buy-It-Now" technology, noting that "Buy-It-Now" is our nation's unofficial economic-development policy.

In a related story, Bush's tax cuts will be paid for by selling your phone records to Mexico.

The World's Butler

In corporate news,


fired its chief accounting officer, Peter Bible. So much for faith-based accounting.

I really hope we don't go bankrupt.

Chip designer


fired execs Louis R. Tomasetta, Yatin Mody and Eugene Hovanec because their names kept crashing the company's product.

Burger King

raised $425 million in an IPO, mostly by threatening reluctant investors with that creepy King character from the commercials.

Speaking of creepy, the duel between


Barbie and


Bratz is forcing us to ask ourselves: While I'm out working two jobs to pay for my CEO's tax cut, which plastic role model should teach my daughter how to be his subservient third wife?


revamped its home page. Remember when it took longer than 10 minutes for something to get old? Me neither. Hey, what were we talking about?

Oh look, candy!

Morgan Stanley

CEO John Mack announced a new strategy to revive the slumbering giant: Lower expectations, beat those, cash out stock, get $100 million to quit and coach the Knicks.



agreed to buy

Marathon Oil

after an, um, ah, extended negotiating session that was like a, um, uh ... what's the word? It uh, it uh, lasted a really long time. Like 26.2 miles long time.


stopped charging people for calling noncomputer phones. Wow, this service might actually be useful! But how can we put it on cell phones?


announced plans to invest in a huge new manufacturing plant in the U.S. Again, what is it these foreign companies don't understand about the way we do business? Let's keep these immigrant companies outta here before they ruin the failure we've worked hard to establish.

In related news,


is hiring a large group to manage money for India's new rich in what is considered to be the first example of cross-sourcing. They do our work, we service their wealth, we're one step closer to being butlers to the world.

UAW workers voted to authorize a strike at



Now that's what I call patriotism!

Finally, the TV networks this week had their upfronts, or as I call 'em, the Not-Kreislers. Also,


is developing Dotcomedy.com because nothing shows respect for years of playing dive bars like a vehicle for rich teenagers to get on

Saturday Night Live


A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

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