Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Profits rose sharply for
, it was reported this week. Executives from both companies celebrated in their hidden underground lair next to their patented "Bad Weather" machine.
reported its smallest profit gain in four years, so it will try to stop morally bankrupting its customers. The company did, however, announce upbeat forecasts for future growth, planning an aggressive holiday marketing campaign with the slogan: "No, really. We're not kidding. Give us your money."
In other retail news,
will not advertise on television this holiday season. Let me say that again: no Gap ads on TV. Feel free to stop your pre-emptive schmaltz-induced crying. Unfortunately, holiday TV ads will continue for diamonds.
Please, can't I be lonely in peace?
( SLE) is selling its European clothing unit. There had been a disruptive competition to see which department, clothing or food, could more quickly expand the average waistline.
Hmmm ... elastic bands, Velcro, and pie -- think of the synergies!
Host Marriott Corporation
( HMT) will buy 38 hotels from
for $3.4 billion, thereby lowering the chance that I'll get a room in Toledo next weekend for $30.
In other travel news,
announced plans to develop a larger 747 to compete with the Airbus A380, probably because there are so many financially solvent major airlines just itching to spend money. Airlines can't buy new planes, people. They can't even afford peanuts any more. The last plane I flew on was so old, we started the propeller with a wound up rubber band.
Speaking of insolvency,
dropped the ad agency that developed the phrase "It's everywhere you want to be." Apparently, too many customers wanted to be in bankruptcy.
In an ironic twist, Visa is dropping
for another Omnicom agency,
. A Visa spokeswoman said the use of slashes in "TBWA/Chiat/Day" showed the agency was in touch with today's Web-based lifestyles. "Acronyms are so 1978," she said of BBDO.
( FNM) raised its CEO's salary after the company went more than a month since it had to restate earnings.
( MER) CEO said he might consider "larger, strategic transactions" after three years of acquisitions of less $800 million. I'm considering the same strategy, after 30 years of only buying things below $8.
A Texas town agreed to change its name to "Dish" in exchange for free satellite TV from
. They say every man has his price. I just didn't realize it was so low.
, the joint venture of Japan's
, recalled millions of CDs because technical glitches could damage personal computers. The music on the CDs -- from artists like Celine Dion, Neil Diamond, and country act Van Zant -- could also have destroyed listeners' souls. (
Actually, I kinda like a little Neil Diamond. Celine Dion? She's Canada's revenge for moving the Winnipeg Jets to Phoenix.
Fed chief nominee Ben Bernanke surprised the Senate Finance Committee when he said that, rather than raise interest rates, he would simply ask every American to send him $50 and then he'd move to Bora Bora, adding: "Suckers."
In other D.C. developments, a Senate panel approved an accounting rule change that amounts to a $4.3 billion profit tax on the oil industry, though, per tradition, the Senators did so while winking. The old Wink Tax. Wow. Combined with $14 billion in unnecessary tax breaks, this means the industry will only get $9.7 billion to help explore ways to spend their $36 billion in quarterly profits. Call Sally Struthers. Somebody needs a phone-a-thon.
In a related development, economists are advising people to sin without repent, in order to save energy by heating their homes with the everlasting fires of hell. Executives from the oil industry said: "We're way ahead of you."
seat sold this week for a record $3.025 million. The deal was sealed when the seller included an arm rest, lumbar support, and a button which provides secret insider information.
deal is very complicated and I won't pretend to understand ... or care. But I noticed that Goldman's Sachs' lead banker on the deal is named David Schwimmer. Maybe Goldman wouldn't face so much scrutiny if they hadn't chosen someone who starred in "Friends." I mean, it was kinda funny, but how could those kids afford such nice apartments in New York?
Medicare officials announced that linking hospital payments to the quality of care can dramatically impact that quality, thereby winning this week's "Yeah Duh" Award for Excellence in Obviousness.
Finally, the United Auto Workers objected to
plans to eliminate 18,000 jobs, which led Delphi to ask: "Didn't you guys decide you didn't want unions anymore? I thought that's what you said back in June. Here, have some pay cuts. Now shoo."
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.