Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a new feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The Chinese company
dropped out of the bidding to buy
( UCL). There was some concern among U.S. politicians that the sale would have had national security implications because if CNOOC had bought Unocal, in an hour it would have been hungry for another energy company.
Economists are now worried that China might retaliate or, worse, put up a protectionist barrier to outside trade; it might, if you will, build a great big wall.
In other succession news this week, Lachlan Murdoch quit as
deputy CEO after conflicts with his father, Rupert Murdoch, over the company's future. The elder Murdoch was "saddened" by the decision, but admitted it could have been worse: His child could've been Paris Hilton. Of course, instead of ruining his family as part of a midlife crisis, he could have just bought a sports car.
announced a delay in its bankruptcy filing. After sitting on the runway for three hours, the filing slept on the airport floor and was rerouted through Chicago. It should arrive in court soon, though its luggage will be in Orlando.
switched cell-phone partners from
, though it will still call Verizon after 9 p.m. and on weekends.
admitted that it overstated income in excess of $91 million in 2003-04
due to accounting errors
. The company that prepares millions of tax returns cannot count. That's like a juggler who can't catch, a sprinter who can't walk, or, perhaps most accurately, a bird that cannot fly. H&R Block, the dodo bird of accounting.
, maker of ATMs, named William Nuti its new chief, but beacause he wasn't promoted from within, he'll be charged $2.50 every time he makes a decision.
Howard Stern and In-Demand will provide pay-per-view TV coverage of his radio show. The move, combined with his earlier switch to
Sirius Satellite Radio
assures that, of his blue-collar, working-class audience, exactly zero percent will be able to afford to witness Stern objectifying women.
On the regulatory front, shares of stem-cell companies
and others climbed when Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist expressed support for federal funding of related research. Prices eventually leveled amid concern that Senator Frist would bonk heads with Hilary Clinton in their rush to the political center.
Smith & Wesson
( SWB) skyrocketed after passage of a bill providing gun makers' immunity. The NRA then announced a boycott of
because that company supported an Oklahoma ban on workplace firearms. The dual moves proved that, even though you may not be able to have your cake and eat it too, you
have your cake and shoot it.
A state judge declared that Dennis Kozlowski and other
executives could remain free until sentencing next month because they are not flight risks. Kozlowski reacted to the news by throwing a $2 million party on an exotic island, complete with models, fountains of gold, and, hopefully,
Tastes Like Chicken
announced a deal to buy
. Finally, Allen Iverson and David Beckham can come together for the "Punks Across the World" tour.
, makers of the Firefox Web browser, announced plans to create a for-profit subsidiary for the software. Mozilla eventually hopes to battle
Explorer and Mothra in a final confrontation over downtown Tokyo.
announced they would limit the practice of inflating prices in order to offer rebates. The move is being met with resistance by the national union of shady-car-salesmen-who-pretend-to-talk-it-over-with-their-managers.
Procter & Gamble
announced fourth-quarter profits rose 9%, largely due to overseas sales of products like toothpastes, diapers and shampoo. The sales are considered a side effect of the International War on Dirt.
had a 19% drop in earnings, though chicken sales did expand, in part because, as one analyst put it, "chicken tastes like everything."
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.