Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The Major League Baseball season got under way and, after four games,
record stands at 2 and 2. The company has a highly paid lineup, but its defense can't seem to handle those pesky Vioxx victims.
Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies in England are facing charges of conspiracy to defraud. Gosh, wonder where they got that idea? Any idea,
? What about you
? Anyone? I'm shocked that legalized drug dealers are lying and gouging. At least I can still trust the legalized pimp: MySpace.com.
Elsewhere in "old" Europe,
rolled out a defense plan to repel a takeover from
Steel. Arcelor will construct a giant laser robot to battle Mittal's army of mutant Cyborgs. (Well, they should).
Back on the home/legal front, an
employee testified that Steve Jobs did take the company name from the Beatles. In response, Apple gave him a personalized iWatchYourBack.
Separately, Apple will offer computers that run
Windows. Hooray! My Mac and I have been dying to get these "viruses" we keep hearing about. Thanks, Steve. Can't wait until you sell me the $300 portable solution to whatever problems this'll cause.
In other legal developments, Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay prepared to take the stand at the
trial and jurors prepared to wade hip-deep in bull-dinky.
Meanwhile, a lawyer
hired by Enron
testified that he found no fraud. Shocking. In a related story, Yogi Bear claims no one stole any pic-a-nic baskets.
Hey Boo-Boo, we've got a con-fa-lict of interest.
for stealing its ideas. Um, it's called "Blockbuster", not "PlayFairAndBeNiceSter."
A lawsuit claims
charged black customers more than white customers, but I've got good news: I just saved a bunch of society by switching to State Farm.
New York City's pension funds sued
Take Two Interactive
for mismanagement. Why is a city investing in the
Grand Theft Auto
games? Couldn't they buy shares in Cigarettes-For-Minors.com? Fast Food and Sugar, Inc.? Premarital Sex and Truancy, LLC?
Diversify, New York, diversify.
To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here
Elsewhere in Gotham, Eliot Spitzer claims that the FCC is undermining his payola prosecutions, which has nothing to do with the election year. Spitzer filed suit against pop-up ads, too. Pop-ups, crappy music, securities fraud. He's fighting all the popular evils! (Except, of course, the "Don't Date Kreisler" collusion of the early '90s... and late '90s... and mid-'90s. Ladies of the East Coast be warned: you violated the law.)
Speaking of feeling violated, the woman who suggested
not hire unhealthy workers was named head of human resources. I'm not kidding. Her first duty will be to redefine compassion as "cold-hearted economic evil."
Separately, Wal-Mart is going to offer aid to small businesses. Kinda like offering death row inmates a last meal. In response, all across America, Princess Leia yelled, "No Luke! It's a trap!!" Then the corner store was put into carbon freeze.
In a related reference,
replaced Wal-Mart as the most profitable company in the world, just edging out SoupKitchensPlus of Greater Wahash County. Exxon replacing Wal-Mart ... kinda like replacing the commander of the imperial fleet. What's it matter? Darth Vader's gonna kill 'em all.
Movers & Shakers
Genocide just got a little more adorable, didn't it? Katie Couric is taking over the
CBS Evening News
, and I think she's going to do just fine. Would you rather have Matt Lauer? Come on, the woman has moxie ... and no, moxie isn't Al Roker's nephew.
Ironically, given the breathless coverage of Couric's job change,
magazine shut down. Could we be taking life more seriously? Letting go of frivolity? Focusing on our own joy, rather than living vicariously? That's what Angelina Jolie said is happening.
The board of
expressed confidence in the company's CEO. Ah, the reliable vote-of-confidence. I think Steinbrenner gave that to Billy Martin a few times.
Meanwhile, in the wake of president and COO
James Padilla's resignation,
CEO Bill Ford claimed the company is profitable and in no danger of going bankrupt. Then he uncrossed his fingers, hid his growing nose, put out the fire on his pants and sold me the Brooklyn Bridge.
introduced a cell phone to allow parents to track their kids via GPS. One side effect: kids who don't buy every
item will be "lost."
Warren Buffett led a charge to make
directors' compensation tied to earnings per share.
Um, he likes the idea because he's leaving the board, people!
I think Napoleon had similar thoughts during his retreat from Russia.
pilots authorized a strike, believing that the airline won't find some kind of regulatory loophole or government exemption to screw them over. Good luck with that, fellas. See you at the job bank.
Speaking of which, newly released data show that President Bush's tax cuts disproportionately benefited the wealthiest Americans, earning this week's
Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness.
Gosh, can you believe it? It's like finding out Santa doesn't really lay painted Easter eggs.
In other D.C. developments, President Bush appeared likely to replace Treasury Secretary John Snow because court papers revealed that Snow gave Bush an evil-doing pretzel.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission weakened proposed security regulations after "consulation" with the industry that went like this:
"We'll stop buying golf trips."
Massachusetts became the first state to mandate health care for all citizens. Should be interesting to see which state with "extreme" policies attracts more people: Massachusetts or South Dakota.
My bet? The state of denial.
In a related story,
Bed, Bath & Beyond
had huge profits last quarter, because everyone needs covers to pull over their heads.
I just can't take it anymore.
To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.