Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
As a matter of national security, this column will not include any cartoons.
Alan Greenspan resigned this week, and in his last act, reared up on his hind legs, let out a terrible roar and struck down four
governors with a single swipe.
Actually, he raised interest rates, took some furniture, and invested all his personal money in China. Then he solemnly intoned, "Ben Bernanke,
am your father."
I've been thinking, between the Internet and housing markets, Greenspan presided over more bubbles than Joe Bazooka. But with fewer puns.
The Chair is dead. Long live The Chair!
Elsewhere in Washington D.C., during Tuesday's State of the Union address the President said that "the future, is, yet to come." Which is true...
He added, "We've created a lot of new jobs," by which he means bankruptcy lawyers, Sarbanes-Oxley accountants, undertakers, disaster relief workers, handbook translators for outsourced companies...
We can "stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009..." Or, we could time travel to 1999 when there was no deficit.
"By 2025, we can be free from Middle East oil," Bush said, but by then the ice caps will have melted so much we'll be addicted to rentals of "Waterworld."
I think we
wean ourselves off of oil with fuels like ethanol. Though then we'll be beholden to the corn lobby, and before you know it, we'll be invading Iowa to prevent them from plowing under their corn fields.
If you build it, he will come... and raise gas prices.
In an intimately related story,
agreed to keep pumping oil at a high rate, despite claims from Iran and Venezuela that they were too busy hating America to count all their money. Iran actually didn't mind America weaning itself from Iranian oil, as long as it became hooked on Iranian nuclear power. They've got plenty.
To watch Jeff's video version of this column, please click here
posted a record $10.7 billion profit last quarter, which is about $1,300 per second. That means that if you were Exxon, you'd have lost about 8 grand reading this sentence.
The company has tried to play down the news:
It's no big deal, I mean, we've still got to pay taxes. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, but seriously, it's hard being Big Oil. Venezuela is offering to give it away, people pretend to conserve, and we've got all these piles of money to store. I mean, it's not like we can invest it in America. ... Look, Dubai has an indoor ski slope. We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Meanwhile, the recent Ukrainian gas deal is being scrutinized. Why? It's not like the people of the former Soviet Union have a history of graft or bribery or inefficiency or drinking vodka in the cold to forget their exploitation by a regime that values symbolically omnipotent father-like leaders more than human progress.
Speaking of megalomania, regarding
strong earnings, Carl Icahn said they "don't exactly get my heart pumping." Well, that's because he's a vampire zombie that feeds on the undead. Duh.
Then, putting his cart before someone else's horse, he named someone to run Time Warner
he takes it over. Wow, that's bold. You know, I think I'll have a turkey sandwich
I sleep with Kate Moss. Lord knows she won't eat any.
A Bank Too Far
In other corporate news,
, dealing with criticism and loss, announced its latest release,
Grand Theft Auto: Wall Street
. You can run down analysts, beat up reporters, and file fraudulent 10-K forms.
Despite earning a jillion dollars,
saw its stock plummet. I guess that's the way the Google crumbled.
laid off 120 people after its merger with
noting "the dream works, but these people don't."
profits doubled on orders to make planes large enough to carry Exxon's money.
is emerging from bankruptcy, but just long enough to lose your luggage.
might issue a $3 billion dividend. On behalf of misled 18-49 male subscribers everywhere,
can I get my money back for Spike TV?
Totally not what I expected.
bought a maker of custom needles for $785 million. $786 million, if you include the Courtney Love collection.
Fifth Third Bancorp
plans to add more branches, even though it has about two-thirds more than it needs.
vice chairman of 15 months will receive a $135 million golden parachute. I've got to incorporate, hire myself, then fire myself, and give myself a huge severance laid on the backs of my shareholders. Who wants to invest?
In other M&A news,
Linens 'n Things
was sold to Apollo Management and now the artist Cristo can wrap the moon in orange sheets. Apollo...space...linens... sheet...Cristo...The Gates.
Come on, you try making this stuff funny week after week after week.
On a related note, Super Bowl advertisers are likely to once again rely upon quick-hitting humor because their products stink.
Corporate Police Blotter
exec, who joined the company as the head of theft-prevention, plead guilty to charges related to stealing from the company. In related news, a fox hired to guard the henhouse admitted to grabbing chickens, and a huge retail conglomerate made another stupid mistake.
exec agreed to settle an SEC probe for $2.7 million, or roughly one-half his 2005 bonus.
The Boston Globe
admitted that credit card information on 240,000 subscribers was inadvertently discarded. Shortly thereafter, Donald Trump was seen digging through Massachusetts garbage bins.
Observers are surprised at the pace of the Enron trial. The jury consists of eight women, four men, and 13 movie deals.
The defense has some interesting theories:
"Come on, they didn't prosecute the Captain of the Titanic, did they?"
"Yes, it's bad, but it's not evil." Thus establishing the new standard in American Justice: Innocent Until Proven Evil. As someone who lived in California during the energy crisis, let me just say that charging $500 a month to power a studio is evil.
The defense hired body language experts in order to prove they can waste money, whether it's their's or their employees' and shareholders'.
Hey Kenny Boy, I no body language expert, but I'm guessing it's not good that Juror #4 just gave you the finger.
The government's first witness said that Enron's books were fabricated, forcing the company into a devastating confrontation with Oprah.
Oh, Oprah. She ripped author James Frey just to show that America pays more attention to entertainment than politics. We'll question books, reports, and information, so long as no lives are at stake.
Full disclosure, my memoir contains one false item: I did not actually write a memoir.
To watch Jeff's video version of this column, please click here
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.