Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The big news this week was the successful "star" leaving a comfortable post to jump-start a fading program. Yes, Katie Couric finally left
head Hank Paulson became the next Treasury Secretary. Most Americans responded to the news by saying "We have a Treasury?"
Paulson will have to relinquish control over his $700 million equity stake in Goldman, and he's given instructions to invest it in Chinese translation services.
Before accepting the offer, Paulson made the government sign a detailed pre-nup. "I know they're just in it for the money, but sometimes a fella can't resist a fling, ya know?"
I'm just excited that we can finally reunite Hank Paulson and Ben Bernanke.
Bald Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Shape of interest rates, form of a, uh, condor!
(Left unanswered: Who's the little purple monkey?)
In other news from Washington, the Supreme Court said whistleblowers have little protection and agreed to hear a punitive damages tobacco case. I suppose if we run out of healthy customer/employees, we can always revisit our immigration policy.
officials said that late and missing payments from Medicare and Medicaid cost us almost a billion dollars. Hey Blue Cross, it's just trickle down health care. Why do you hate freedom?
Midwestern business grew at its fastest rate last month, which totally explains why NYC got screwed out of Homeland Security money. I mean, come on, there's a new
in Omaha! A "Target," hello?
Kim Woo Choong, the up-from-his-bootstraps founder of
, was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Good to see South Korea embracing U.S.-style capitalism.
Speaking of which, maybe the Enron guys will be sentenced to a Weekend at Bernie's? Bernie Ebbers! Get it?
Security software maker
fired its lawyer for improper shenanigans. A security company unable to keep things secure? Why, that's as unbelievable as
having tax return problems... oh wait...
To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here
announced that it would restate its earnings, noting, "Um, so, uh, those Enron guys could go to jail for manipulating earnings, eh?
Hmm. We'll get right back to you.
Fred Wilpon, owner of the Mets, is caught up in the
debacle. That's what you get for letting Doc Gooden and Darryl Strawberry manage your money at 5 a.m.
admitted a data error regarding the dangers of Vioxx, part of its strategy to beat
in the race to Chapter 11.
Speaking of GM, the company named a new head of its North American operations, or, as the press release called him, a "new orchestra conductor for the Titanic." (See, no more "deck chairs" jokes).
The company, along with
, also began offering buyers gas rebates, in order to take the rest of the world down with them. Really, who needs air, land, and potable water? Stupid mortals.
Up and down, up and down, goes the market. Thank goodness I don't have any money to invest. If you'd like to give me some so I can better understand my readers, please send money to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Oy. First, a poor IPO, then offers to pay reluctant investors, then recanting that. All after making a redundant product in the first place. This whole thing caused a lot of confusion, probably because the company was unable to get its message out clearly. Poor reception. Bad signals. Other phone jokes... Look, people just didn't want to talk on the phone while stuck to a computer.
And to the investors who are angry: Um, do some research pal. I suppose you think you really won a Nigerian lottery, too, eh?
posted a 21.9
pound loss, just enough to excite investors. Corporations: Making money by Losing Money Since 1910. I don't understand how companies -- and countries -- get to be so fiscally irresponsible, but I steal one blind old lady's handbag, and suddenly I'm a 'bad guy."
Elsehwere in the "telecom beginning with V" category,
will give a free minute of airtime to people who watch 30-second commercials then answer questions about them. Um, let's see... People who want free minutes are probably young Americans from our education system. Therefore, a) they'll never get any answers right, and b) they can't afford whatever you're selling.
Hey Vonage investors! I've got another one for ya!
Inco, Flaconbridge, Xstrata, Teck Cominco
... Oh my! The battle for space supremacy continues.
will cut 13% of its workforce now that global warming makes me sweat in May. Good work, Sun.
shareholders' meeting was in Texas, where, as you know, everything's bigger, especially the executive compensation packages. The shareholders obviously believe they'd "get me some of that."
Chairman Rex Tilerson also announced that the company wouldn't look into alternative fuels, saying, really "We are not going to invest in lower-return products."
Ooops, did I say that out loud?
, the world's largest ATM operator is looking to buy the second-largest. Sweet, now I can get charged $2.50 for just thinking about money.
Oops, there goes another 5 bucks...
began offering films online so that people don't have to ever leave the house. Considering how most Americans are too fat to fit through their doorway anyhoo, that's probably just as well.
In a related story,
quarterly profit rose 12% because, really, who doesn't need a barrel of mayonnaise?
Pilot pay cuts at
were approved. I feel much safer knowing the guy flying the hunk metal around me was up late moonlighting as a waiter.
This is your Captain speaking. I'm so tired, so very tired... Thank goodness for Nodoze and Stolichnaya.
Consumer confidence fell in May. Quick,
Create a disease and give us a pill/video game to cure it.
Advanced Micro Devices
will expand production at its Dresden plant. Their simple business plan: More Chips, Less Firebombing.
As originally published, this story contained an error. Please see
Corrections and Clarifications.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.