Funny Money: Juiced Up

Greenspan's muscularity, strange twists at the Enron trial, Dubai's secret love and more.
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Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

This week Alan Greenspan agreed to publish his memoirs, which will be marketed as an alternative to Ambien. The 300-page book, which will include a 500-page glossary of cryptic terms, lays out in shocking detail how steroid use made him the home run king...

After

AT&T's

$67 billion purchase of

BellSouth

-- who was a character in

The Dukes of Hazzard

by the way -- industry watchers think

Verizon

will make a big purchase next. Let me just say this to Verizon: I have an unlimited supply of both string and empty coffee cans. Call me.

Uh, actually, better send a letter. My phone's not working.

In other merger news,

NBC

purchased

iVillage

, an Internet company devoted to women. What's the big deal about an Internet company devoted to women? That's pretty much all I have bookmarked...

Speaking of which, the studio behind

Desperate Housewives

has been aggressively shopping reruns of the show before everyone realizes it's just a soap opera that airs after 6 p.m.

Blackstone

, ever nefarious, purchased

CarrAmerica

in a devious attempt to have Carr battle Kitt in a final confrontation over which David Hasselhoff vehicle was better:

Knight Rider

or

Baywatch.

DaimlerChrysler

dismissed several employees involved in an international bribery scheme, mostly because it didn't work.

In a weird joint maneuver, lawyers defending

Merck's

Vioxx claimed that Ken Lay was responsible for approving the faulty drug, and Lay's attorneys blamed his addiction to Vioxx for decision-making at

Enron

.

Actually, Enron's defense team really did suggest that CEO Jeffrey Skilling was just being sarcastic when he said, "They're on to us." Ah, the old "just kidding" defense. Frankly, as a lawyer, I would've gone with the "whoever smelt it, dealt it" strategy.

In another twist, former

HealthSouth

CEO Richard Scrushy was seen at the Enron trial, in the strangest crossover since Mork appeared on

Happy Days.

Mork calling exploitation, come in exploitation.

I don't know why Enron is putting up such a fight. Can't Lay just plead guilty and then wait for President Bush to pardon him on his last day in office?

Krispy Kreme

named Daryl Brewster CEO. You may remember Brewster from

Brewster's Millions

, in which Richard Pryor had to eat 10 million doughnuts in order to inherit 300 million scones.

Wal-Mart

sent a cease and desist letter to a man parodying the company. Let me say this to Wal-Mart:

You're great.

Shareholders at

Hewlett-Packard

complained that the $21.4 million severance paid to Carly Fiorina was too high. Noting that it's women's history month, Dick Grasso and his $193 million just laughed and laughed.

Shell Oil

bought $32 million in residential property in New Orleans to lease to workers. No joke, just kudos to Shell. (Though I'm sure it's all part of some sinister plan. Damn those good deeds!)

The government of Dubai pulled out of the controversial ports deal, telling the President it was better to keep making billions off America covertly, rather than out in the open, to which Bush replied, "Ah, but I wanna tell them about our love. I'm not ashamed!" Then Dubai said, "I wish I could quit you."

The

NYSE

became a publicly traded company this week. Oh no! What will happen if the stock exchange is infiltrated by greedy people just looking to make money? A big concern is whether humans will be phased out by electronic systems. One trader was quoted saying, "I give us 10 years, max." To which several others replied "9!" "7.5!"

Eliot Spitzer's case that the music industry isn't honest and merit-based moved forward. Next up: Boxing seems sketchy.

For the first time in 20 years, soda sales slumped.

Coke

and

Pepsi

issued a joint statement blaming Red Bull,

Celebrity Fit Club

, and former FEMA chief Michael Brown.

Finally, U.S. worker productivity fell in the fourth quarter for the first time in four years. Thank you, "Funny Money" readers!

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

click here

to send him an email.