Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
After making anti-inflationary comments (not to be mistaken for anti-inflammatory comments like, "I need Advil"),
Chief Ben Bernanke text-messaged the ghost formerly known as Alan Greenspan: "U were right. They R soooo sensitive. Next wk I'm gonna yell 'Boo!'"
The possibility of interest rate hikes sent homebuilder stocks falling, or, as the
Philadelphia Daily News
reported: "Everything's Great! Build Houses Now!"
Speaking of which, documents show that
execs considered telling doctors about their products' dangers, but decided not to, since that would've hurt their sale price and ability to build screams-of-agony-soundproof mansions.
In related news, the
approved the use of the MS drug Tysabri, despite the risk of fatal brain disease, because life is full of difficult choices, and who are we to decide how the afflicted might pursue hope of salvation. Oh wait, I mean, because the FDA, like totally, sucks, man.
is selling its consumer products division to focus on its most profitable business, creating disease to sell cures, er, I mean, prescription drugs. If only Listerine caused high cholesterol ... and Lipitor caused bad breath ... they could package a Listerine-Lipitor Double L cycle of doom.
Actually, Pfizer was served with papers in two lawsuits involving Lipitor. Apparently one of the side-effects from the drug is litigiousness.
In other legal and regulatory developments, Austrian bank
agreed to a $675 million settlement for its involvement in the
scandal. Refco was a pyramid scheme, and inside that pyramid, Bawag was the toilet paper wrapped around the mummified remains of investors' dreams.
The ACLU asked the FCC to withhold approval of
not just because it likes alphabet soup, but because of allegations the companies gave away customer information. AT&T responded, "But that's not what you told your grandma on the phone last Sunday."
To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here
The head of the
Buca di Beppo
restaurant chain was accused of conspiring to loot the company. You know, first they fill you up on bread and wine, then I get a food coma and fall asleep at 8, and then they embezzle? I hate that place.
will pay almost $49 million to settle discrimination suits after asking, "Can you
unsuccessfully attempted to bar the public from its sabotage trial, to prevent "serious injury" to its clients.
They'd realize we're totally incompetent, that the whole thing is a scam, a house of cards, and everything would collapse, the market, the economy, the government, Everything!
! Relax. If everything collapsed, it'd just mean we'd get a fresh start. That ain't so bad. Worked in "Fight Club."
Two men were charged in a scheme to defraud Internet phone companies, but since it doesn't involve home runs or white women missing in the Caribbean, I don't care.
In corporate news this week,
introduced an online spreadsheet to compete with
Excel. In response, Microsoft stomped its feet and made angry little fists. It's fun to watch them fight, though I feel a little like I'm in a Japanese town watching Mothra and Godzilla engage in some homoerotic wrestling match.
Google's co-founder Sergey Brin acknowledged his company compromised its principles by giving in to Chinese censorship. You know, I compromised my principles when I ate a piece of my cousin's wedding cake before the ceremony, but you don't hear me apologizing, do ya? Stand by your decisions, Google.
shareholders meeting this week, the company tried to put a positive spin on recent events with a presentation entitled, "Hey, we barely grazed that iceberg. All is well."
Shareholders actually voted
two board proposals, totally confusing people like me who didn't think powers responded to their constituents. GM shoulda put gay marriage on the ballot.
In related news, Congress approved raising indecency fines, because the real problems in this world aren't wars, economic chicanery, and human suffering, but swear words and boobs. Especially in an election year. Oh wait, it's for
TV. Never mind, that won't be around much longer.
Peter Munk sold
to Brookfield and bought Blackstone. While all these hard "K"s made me think it's an intergalactic space conspiracy, I now know it just means someone's gonna raise my rent. Too bad. I prefer alien probes to landlords.
Cathay Pacific Airways
is on the verge of taking full control of
, which is great news for that donkey from "Shrek". Little fella's in love, you know.
flight attendants rejected the company's pay proposal, so their pensions could join the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corp., which is fine, since the government has lots of U.S. dollars. The Chinese government, that is.
In a related story, a study by the
U.S. Trust Company
says that wealthy Americans have a lot of stress and worry. Here's a solution: Give your money to Anna Nicole Smith.
In other absurdities,
magazine paid $4.1 million for the rights to photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby. For that type of money, I hope they were in on conception, too. $4.1 million for
? Katrina relief, education funding, worthwhile reporting ... not so much.
will soon return to TV advertising. The company took some time off to reassess what everybody would look like before it decided what everybody should wear.
Bank of America
have offered employees up to $3,000 to buy hybrid cars, on top of the $3,000 tax credit from the government. This "Mother Earth" lady sure has a powerful lobby.
rehired Jon Anda, who's an expert in securing severance packages for himself.
In other executive developments, the head of MSNBC resigned. Shoulda given the green light to "Funny Money Live," man.
Fulcrum Global Partners
, which opened in 2001 as the "honest alternative to traditional Wall Street research" closed down, because no one on Wall Street understood what "honest" meant.
Last week's column inadvertently said
was expanding its Dresden plant, when it was really Intel rival
. I'd like to thank the readers who wrote in to set me straight and remind them, IT'S A HUMOR COLUMN!!! Go outside, have some barbecue, and relax.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.