Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Day! Excuse me, I mean, Happy Turkey Day. Turkey, GM ... I get those confused.
GM's move to close factories and cut 30,000 jobs "drew a collective yawn from Wall Street," according to
The New York Times
. Really? Our transformation to a service industry economy that only produces broken promises just makes analysts yawn?
Mmmm, future so bleak, me so sleepy. Nappy nap time.
In a nice twist, GM said it wasn't actually "cutting jobs," just lowering the retirement age to "now." Meanwhile,
announced higher earnings, based on the huge number of GM workers photocopying their resumes.
won $13.7 billion worth of airplane orders from China and the United Arab Emirates this week, which I'm sure isn't a sign of shifting economic power. Just because no U.S. airlines can afford to buy new planes, let alone operate in solvency, and all the money is in oil-rich countries and China, I'm sure there's no reason to worry. Hey, when does "American Idol" start?
In other faded U.S. corporate titan developments,
( SBC) completed its purchase of
and introduced a new logo for the company, following my Uncle Lou's business strategy: a paint job can make any clunker of a used car look good.
Modern Life, Post-Modern Convenience
plans to make shows available for
iPods, which assures that we will never be influenced by outside ideas and that our thumbs will get sore and fall off, thus initiating a reverse evolution (an unintelligent design, if you prefer) which can only end with humanity wired into a continuous home shopping channel while wallowing in a primordial ooze of materialism. Just like the Pilgrims dreamt it would be at that first Thanksgiving.
new Xbox went on sale this week, so that millions of Americans can spend 8 hours a day trying to kill animated hookers, but won't take 10 minutes to vote in local elections. No wonder I find solace each morning in cold pizza and booze.
The new consoles are considerably more powerful than their predecessors. They really make you think you've got a life.
I didn't check, but I'm sure as soon as they went on sale thousands of people -- whose despair and loneliness are matched only by their unoriginality and spending cash -- bought them all while trampling an old woman who was trying to figure out the Medicare drug plan while her husband went back to work because some CEO making $40 million decided to cut pensions on the advice of an analyst who's sharing the info through his "squawk box." They'll all get fired, but guess which ones get the $100 zillion severance package and which die cold and alone?
Ah, life. That's an Xbox game I'd like to play.
Elsewhere in tech,
Skype unit will sell kits which -- if installed, connected, synchronized, accessorized and trouble-shot -- will allow consumers to make phone calls over the Internet! People no longer have to pick up a phone and dial.
Dial? A phone? What is this wizardry of which you speak?
By the way, these kits are being sold at
, which raises the question: What decade is this? Were Woolworth's and The 5-and-Dime unavailable? RadioShack? How cute.
In related retailing news,
started selling high-end items so company managers can spend all their earnings at their place of work, too. They call it "extending the inescapable cycle of doom."
Wal-Mart is also being investigated for regularly overcharging customers and for having a forked tongue, red horns and emitting a sulfurous smell.
In other corporate news,
( MNT), maker of breast implant and liposuction equipment, is trying to buy
, producer of antiwrinkle drugs and skin therapies, to create a huge company headquartered in Stepford, Conn.
agreed to sell part of its business on advice from the Institute of Forbidden Deliciousness.
will no longer finance projects that damage the environment, in order to "go green." Off the record, the company said that if a client harms the ecosystem but makes millions of dollars, the cash would be "green" enough for them.
Bally Total Fitness
is making a move to oust its CEO, claiming he just isn't "working out."
Our Government at Work
made a $3 million gift to the Library of Congress for the digital library project. Great, now Google's giving money to the government? I'm sure that'll never come back to haunt us.
A California couple was awarded $500,000 for being misled by Jack Grubman. I blame the couple. I mean, come on, caveat emptor, his name is GRUB-man. It's not Honest-Guy McNeverLie.
In other runaway judiciary news, the state of Texas sued
for installing illegal spyware on personal computers. The state said Sony doesn't have the right to install spyware in order to protect its economic interests. Being spied on by the unblinking eye on the dollar bill? That's still cool.
Meanwhile, there's another payola scandal, this time at
( WMG). So relax, it's not your fault that your children have no taste in music. The clothes they're wearing? That's still on you.
The U.S. banned poultry from British Columbia after a duck was found sick. It might just be Daffy Duck trying to avoid Elmer Fudd. I've sent Bugs Bunny to ask the attending physician, "What's up, Doc?" Yeah, I said it.
indicated that it might stop increasing interest rates. Actually, the Fed just winked twice and scratched its chin, which might only mean it has to go to the bathroom or that we should lay down a bunt.
Finally, a new Senate tax bill would allow artists to claim a reasonable price for any gift they make. You should know that this column, oddly enough, has been valued at $18 million and is my gift to you. Please send receipts to
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.