Funny Money: Facilitating Disease

Pfizer ponders dumping consumer health, going cold-turkey on petroleum, designing women, the robot demon and much more.
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Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

In honor of the sale of

Univision

, this column is written in a bumblebee outfit.

In a hostile move,

Talbots

stole the

J. Jill Group

from

Liz Claiborne

, which then said Talbots looked fat, which made Talbots point out someone else wearing the same dress as Clairborne. Then they both reached for pictures of their grandkids, but J. Jill saved the day with a tray of International Coffees.

As for the fellas, Carl Icahn said

Time Warner

CEO Dick Parsons is "not a media guy," Parsons called him a jerk, Icahn said his dad could beat up Parson's dad and buy him and split him and resell him, Parsons said "shut up" and Icahn said "Good comeback, poopy-head," and punched him in the spleen.

That's more or less how it happened.

In other M&A news,

Hollinger

sold its Canadian assets to

Glacier Ventures

, under the belief that, given global warming, Glacier would eventually melt and the assets would float back.

In a totally unrelated story, President Bush wants us to end our addiction to foreign oil. But considering his latest budget, I guess we're supposed to quit cold turkey. I'd like to use the patch. It delivers tiny pulses of fossil fuel right when I need them most.

Hey! I'm craving decayed dinosaurs...Bam! The Oil Patch.

The American Way

In corporate news, profits at

Yum! Brands

dropped in the fourth quarter because the only people investing in Yum! Brands are 6-year olds, and they don't have much money. Their earnings are, like, 25 cents a tooth.

Pfizer

might sell its consumer health division, since consumer health runs counter to its overall strategy of manufacturing disease and facilitating addiction. (Note: "Manufacturing disease and facilitating addiction" is a registered trademark of the Conglomo Corp.

Conglomo: Making it bad, so we can make it better.

)

Speaking of making it all better,

Nissan

will end healthcare coverage for U.S. employees in a mistaken attempt to conform to American cultural norms.

To view Jeff's video take on this column, please click here.

Meanwhile,

Toyota

is close to overtaking

GM

as the world's largest automaker. GM hopes to slow the Japanese company with its newest SUV, The Godzilla.

GM added an associate of Kirk Kerkorian to its board, because they're either following that old axiom, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer," or they're morons. The jury's still out...

Still, kudos to GM for cutting executive pay and reducing a dividend. The automaker is still in trouble, but at least the bigwigs mean it now when they ask to

borrow

the Grey Poupon.

Take-Two Interactive

, is in more trouble, forcing a spokesman to yell, "Cut! Alright everybody, one more shot. Places! Gaming Corporation Goes To Hell, Take Three! Action!"These are the people who came up with

Grand Theft Auto

; we can't expect them to act like the Sisters of the Poor.

Elsewhere, game maker

Tiger Telematics

is in financial trouble because kids aren't buying titles like

Lara Croft: Algebra Raider

,

Can I Borrow The Car: Jersey City

, and

Beginner Pong.

In a related story,

IBM

is using video game technology to develop visualization programs for companies that have an abundance of teenagers and 30-year old

Maxim

subscribers.

Blockbuster

will cut 300 jobs, largely because I still haven't returned my copy of

Cheaper by the Dozen

. Considering Blockbuster edits movies for decency, you'd think they'd just not offer that one altogether.

The Internet phone company

Vonage

is planning an IPO. Who uses the phone anymore? Just talk into the chip the NSA put in your Ritalin and your message will get delivered. Duh.

Apple

introduced the new iPod Nano because it'd been about six minutes since the last iPod rollout. I'd almost gone back to communicating with my fellow humans.

Phew, that was close.

Democracy in Action

Yahoo!

apparently gave data to China that led to the imprisonment of a Chinese dissident. An outraged U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said: "Hey! That was our idea." Then his horns poked through his hair and he disappeared in a puff of yellow sulfurous smoke.

At the Enron trial this week, a man outside the courthouse had a sign reading, "Ken Lay is Not Guilty." Really? Who has time for that? This isn't Michael Jackson, people. He was clearly paid by the defense to show someone west of Pennsylvania Ave. cares about these guys.

Puh-leeze

In other legal developments,

JP Morgan

salesman Terrence Gumbs was accused of fraud. Gumbs' partner, Mumbles, is still wanted by Dick Tracy.

Ben Bernanke was sworn in at the

Fed

. After the ceremony, his predecessor, Alan Greenspan, shed his human skin and became the robot demon Centaur from Zebulon 62-Pi. He pulled back on his horns, unhinged his jaw, swallowed the Treasury Department, and burst into a cloud of fire -- but not before raising interest rates one last time.

Unaware of Greenspan's robot demon identity,

Lehman Brothers

reportedly paid him $250,000 to speak to 15 important clients. Greenspan, who had regained his human form and was going by the name "Dr. Smooth Love", spoke about spending wisely to entertain clients.

In a related story of wretched excess,

Goldman Sachs

reportedly paid average employees enough to buy 4,000 bottles of Dom Perignon, seven Porsches, or waste the time of one

NY Post

reporter and thousands of readers. (Reading and writing Funny Money, on the other hand, makes

you

sexy).

Finally, it's Fashion Week again here in New York City, and, again, no supermodels visited my 6th Avenue kissing booth. I'm offering 2-for-1, ladies!!

Ingrates.

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

click here

to send him an email.