Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
, one of the world's largest producers of gold, said that the price of the metal could rise to more than $1000 an ounce,
The NY Post
reported this week. What a great, unbiased source! Next
warning of an imminent hot cocoa shortage.
Stock up on tiny marshmallows now!!
reported a third-quarter loss because the company tried to program employees to record "profits," but instead got a bunch of documentaries about "prophets."
JP Morgan Chase
sent out its new Blink card, whether I wanted it or not. Apparently, putting my credit in a format that can be stolen by some freak on the subway with an electronic scanner doo-dad is a "complimentary upgrade." Gee, thanks. Not only do I feel less secure but the 3 seconds I save at checkout is offset by the hour I spent updating my automatic bill payments.
announced another 7000 layoffs and 5 factory closings. Apparently, Vioxx does kill... companies. The layoffs will save the company about $4 billion by 2010, which, adjusted for inflation, is about 15 wrongful deaths.
Elsewhere in corporate "restructuring,"
announced layoffs, while a British panel suggested raising the retirement age, and individual investment accounts were proposed there. Isn't it cute to see our No. 1 ally join our efforts?
In an unrelated penal colony development, the Australian government has decided to put roughly $30 billion in surpluses and sales into a fund for pensioners. Silly, backward country. Don't they know surpluses are for tax breaks and pensioners are for forgetting? No wonder
Crocodile Dundee II
On the news that
fired its CEO and CFO, the company stock dropped faster than Lindsay Lohan's weight. It plummeted below the level of prime-time TV. It fell harder than an M&M Thanksgiving parade balloon. It got slammed like a
wrestler without a nickname. Shareholders fled like rats off a burning ship. I could go on, but my email inbox is probably already full. (Apparently the company's problem can be traced back to investors who spend too much time haranguing satirists).
In other ousted-executives news, a director of
-- maker of hypodermic syringes -- filed a wrongful termination suit claiming the firing was very painful, even though the company promised he'd only feel a little pinch.
The CEO of
First Data Corp.
retired this week, explaining that he had finally achieved his goal of finding the first data.
It's the number 1.
Meanwhile, Daniel Snyder hinted that he'd fire Mr. Six, the long time mascot for
( PKS) theme park. Said Snyder, "This town isn't big enough for two suit-wearing clowns."
Elsewhere in megalomania, managing directors at
are expecting bonuses averaging $2 million. When exactly does the trickle down economy start trickling, and where do I stand if I want a drip?
In regulatory news this week,
settled SEC charges that it engaged in market timing. Federated allegedly told investors that the
ran 100 meters in 8 seconds (which is impossible, no matter how the market is timed).
Research In Motion
( RIMM), maker of the Blackberry, suffered another legal setback this week, meaning it's possible that U.S. co-workers soon may actually have to talk to each other.
In other legal developments, the Supreme Court accepted an appeal by
, raising the question of the Founding Fathers' original intent in patent cases. I believe that in Federalist Paper No. 12, Hamilton said, "For the sake of liberty, no free-man shall have click-through platform compatibility without deference to
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
A regulator said that internal audits of company finances under the Sarbanes-Oxley Act aren't adequate, and Congressional investigators found widespread problems in the Medicare drug discount card program. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the nominees for this week's "Duh! Award For Excellence In Obviousness."
The Federal Communications Commission suggested selling individual cable channels to help fight indecency. Really? Somehow I don't think people are choosing the spotted owl on Discovery over Shannon Tweed on Cinemax. At least they're not at 3 a.m., when I've done my "research."
A new study indicates that online shopping is highest among men, the affluent, and the better educated. Which explains why there's not much traffic at Women'sRemedialReadingForThePoor.com.
Argentina's president inexplicably fired the economic minister who led the country's recovery from the worst financial crisis in its history. U.S. analysts noted that the minister's economic foresight, intelligence, dedication and planning were "downright un-American."
The sheikdom of Dubai agreed to purchase a British shipping company. Finally, balance restored to the universe. A small sheikdom without a shipping company is like a talentless, overexposed hotel heiress without a shipping magnate.
Switzerland voted to ban the farming of genetically modified plants and animals, preferring to focus its scientific efforts on creating a bank account made entirely of precision clocks and flavorless cheese.
Finally, U.S. consumer confidence rebounded in November, thanks to heavy doses of tryptophan.
So sleepy, dreaming of an alternate reality.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.