Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The dollar rallied against the euro early in the week, but then it gave up an early goal to the Czech Republic and abandoned its game plan.
Donald Trump is planning a casino on the Mississippi Gulf Coast -- because if there's anything the hurricane-ravaged region needs right now, it's more hot air. Couldn't he just let them use his toupee to rebuild the levees?
Tom Ford is postponing the introduction of his menswear collection, meaning no new clothes for the three trust-fund guys who care.
Analysts soured on
after the Pixar movie
made only $60 million in its opening weekend. They're right. Zero to 60 in two days is pretty slow. Even my '87 Plymouth can top that.
It seems some of the brouhaha with this
deal is because European entities are concerned about being subject to U.S. rules like the "Sarbanes-Oxley Act," or, as we call it at my house, the "You sure use a lot big words, boy" Act. It's a loving home. Anyhoo, don't worry, foreign people or companies or government entities or whoever you are ... just get the act wiped out. Have someone go on TV and call it "the making babies cry act" or "the puppies must die rule" or "the death tax" and I'm sure it'll go away.
Speaking of labels,
shareholders voted to change the company's name to Sun-Times Media Group, to distance itself from its (Conrad) Black past. They say, "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet." I bet the opposite is true, too. No, I don't mean, "A sweet by any other smell would still name as rose." Geeesh.
The UAW convention was held this week in Las Vegas, an appropriate setting to gamble that the auto industry won't disappear. The biggest attraction at the convention: the job booth.
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Actually, the UAW voted to use part of its $900 million strike fund to recruit new members, which is like using "diet money" to buy chocolate. The UAW can feed itself. It's alive! It's ALIIIIIIIVE!!
A study reported that Prozac does not work any better than placebos in the treatment of anorexia nervosa, which is a serious matter, but which surely can be solved by buying
inevitable new drug, Super-Awesome-AOK-In-Time!
and other pharmaceutical companies are excitedly pursuing a one-a-day impotence pill, because curing cancer is so boooooring. We've got a multibillion dollar drug industry that gets us what? Impotence pills and antidepressants. "Oh honey, this sex is so ... meh."
On a related note, the European Union is looking to expand again, and is talking with Eli Lilly about getting a one-a-day pill to make it happen.
called a truce with its flight attendants, which will prevent a strike, or, in industry terms "delay take-off of our inevitable bankruptcy."
China's $13 billion trade surplus has renewed friction with the West, because the free market's OK, as long as it's the right type of free. Helping us. Duh. Read your freedom employee handbook closely. You're freedom is at will, and we can revoke it at any time, without cause. You should be happy we even let you free here at all.
Investors in Enron -- or, should I say, past investors in the company formerly know as Enron -- are now filing court papers against the company's law firm, Vinson & Elkins. First, they come for the accountants, then the executives, the lawyers and then ... for YOU. Bwahahahahahaaa! Oh wait, sorry, thought this was the Halloween edition of Funny Money. Carry on.
Enron executive Kevin Howard claims jurors in his trial swapped votes, which would explain why there were nine votes for guilty, one for not-guilty, and two for Ralph Nader.
reported HUGE profits, mostly on sales of flat-panel televisions, because everyone is destined to own a large TV. That was first decreed in Magna Carta. Or was that Kama Sutra? I get those confused.
Economists are wondering if Ben Bernanke can handle the job. Can he say the right things? Does he have the Midas touch? Did Greenspan give him the combination to the lock on the safety deposit box that holds the code to decipher the password to make us all rich and happy? What about resolving our father issues? Happy Father's Day, pop!
Oh, wait! Get this: ABC's upfront ads have been "very slow to develop." Egads! How can we go on?
Disney will license sugar-free drinks because they finally figured, hey, if they live longer, we can sell 'em more stuff, and, if they're thinner, we can fit more into Space Mountain. Cha-ching, Mickey.
has set pending terms of its IPO at $15-$17 a share, because, even though dead men don't wear plaid, they do like flannel. You're probably wondering, "Wait, is it 'dead men' or 'real men?'" Meanwhile, I'm wondering, "Does it matter?" and "When's lunch?"
doubled its second-quarter earnings, but its stock fell 4% because it "failed to impress" Wall Street. I'm starting to think that, in this wedding season, the real Bridezilla is Wall Street.
Yeah, I'm getting married next weekend. Sorry fellas.
announced aggressive plans to invest $500 million in developing biofuels. Bio, biology, biological life! I knew it! It's us! Humans! We're the next fuel? They're going to chop us up like a nosy Fargo detective! Noooooo! Please, noooo! (Attention Jeff Kreisler: You have exceeded your weekly allotment of exclamation points. You will now be charged 65 cents per minute for each additional emphasis.)
German drug company Bayer was in New York to fight German rival Merck over German company Schering. Meanwhile, German superstar Dirk Nowitzki was in Dallas fighting Shaq for the NBA title and the planet's best footballers are all in Germany fighting for the World Cup. Hmmm. Also, yesterday I had a German beer ... Germans everywhere. Coincidence? Eh, probably.
There was an IPO for ethanol that was just totally "crazy." No, I didn't read the whole article, but, ethanol's from corn, right? And like, that's totally, like, funny, because, um, corn and like heh heh Beavis and Butthead or maybe "Corn! Why not just use dirt!" or you know, "Corn, what about scorn?" Come on, people, I'm getting married in a week, I ain't got time to jump to conclusions for you.
Airbus delayed delivery of the new double-decker A380. The delay in making the plane is just practice for its delay while in commercial use.
announced a line of servers the will operate with less energy and manpower, and will, instead, simply feed on the souls of the undead. The prototype is being tested on Easter Island.
Virgin Music has made some sort of deal with USA Networks. Let me just say that another comic might've taken glee in pointing out the various geopolitical and inappropriate nuances of a Virgin making a deal with the USA ... but I am not that other comic.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.