Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Robert Zoellick, second in command at the State Department, left to join
. This after Goldman head Hank Paulson left to join the Treasury and then announced he will sell all his Goldman stock. Hmm ... If my math is correct, the Treasury is greater than Goldman, and Goldman's greater than the State Department, which means the State Department should have an IPO soon, underwritten by Goldman, all stock purchased by
will buy Jenny Craig in a blatant attempt to get Kirstie Alley more chocolate, er, um, "exposure."
Nestle buying Jenny Craig: Sweets maker buying diet empire. It's like heroin producers chipping in for a methadone clinic. "The sooner they get thin, the sooner they'll feel good enough to get fat again."
Smart move on the part of Nestle, hedging their bets like that. Who knows if people want to be fat or thin? Maybe they'll just fluctuate between the two ...
I wonder if Oprah's an investor.
will re-establish its petite women's clothing department after getting pressured by Roseanne Arnold, who literally eats petite women for dinner.
In a totally unrelated story (really), a consumer group filed suit against
Kentucky Fried Chicken for having too much fat. I believe Americans are too chunky, but you know what? It's not KFC's fault. It's not McDonald's fault. It's our own. We've created a society that's materialistic, commercial and spiritually corrupt. We're all a little empty inside. But food ...
tastes like love. If you don't believe me, just watch any woman eat chocolate.
Speaking of our cultural emptiness,
raised the price for the issue with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby pics by 50 cents. Fifty cents, huh? I'm getting married soon, and
, pics are a lot more than 50 cents. Maybe I should name my bride-to-be "Shiloh" or "Suri" or "Spongebob Bankruptpants."
announced plans to license many of its secondary heroes, like Ghost Rider and the Silver Surfer, in hopes that Superman's real weakness is marketing.
On the other hand, video-game makers like
are suffering through difficult times, as millions of Americans slowly realize that maybe, just maybe, mindless entertainment isn't as important as fresh air and job skills.
In other corporate news, Bill Gates recently announced he'll cut back on running
in order spend more time with his money ... and focus on construction of his underground supercomputing soul-devouring cyborg ... which comes bundled with Windows Media Player.
is apparently considering opening a London-based exchange if its deal for Euronext doesn't go through. It's a new twist on the old "Fine, I'll just take my ball and go home." It's more like, "Fine, I'll just toss my ball around your dining room."
. Finally dawned on me. You know their commercials? The jingle sounds like "Uh oh, uh uh oh. Uh oh, uh uh oh." Shoulda been a hint...
Our Tax Dollars at Play
A new $50 gold coin went on sale this week for $875. Umm, I think I've found the problem with our economy: a $50 coin on sale for $875. A coin that entitles the owner to 50 one dollar bills, on sale for 875 one dollar bills. Um ... wha? Yeah, yeah, I get it, price of gold, blah blah blah ... but what are we going to tell our children? They won't understand. For shame, America. For shame.
Now that the immigration debate has heated up, let me just add my three-quarters of a cent. If immigrants are outlawed, only outlaws will have immigrants. Or as Charlton Heston said, "They can have my gardener when they pry him from my cold, dead lawn."
The Senate and House are negotiating over a bill, and, I suggest a simple win-win compromise: Deport Lou Dobbs.
The U.S. and EU are joining forces to fight piracy, but the effort is too late to stop Johnny Depp's latest movie.
Finally, scientists have created a new semiconductor that can operate at an amazing 500 GHz, but in order to do so, it must be frozen to nearly absolute zero. That's bad news for the casual computer users, good news for Ted Williams.
A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (www.JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;
to send him an email.