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Funny Money: Bad Wigs & Trophy Wives

Lessons from 'the Donald', CEO mendacity, a lodging plot, Wal-Mart's new motto and much more corporate hilarity.

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

David Edmondson, CEO of


, resigned this week because he lied about attending Bible college. The company first suspected him when he hung a painting of the Eight Commandments.

Of all the things to lie about -- Bible college? If you're gonna lie, lie about something cool, like spy school. Or only eating at


to lose weight, when clearly it was surgery.

I'm looking at you, Jared.

David Cole, a senior VP at


, took a leave of absence to explore "what the world has to offer." I did that in the middle of law school, David. I'll save a spot for you -- right here, outside


, begging for change.

In other executive developments, the chief marketing officer of

American Eagle

, resigned to "pursue new opportunities" -- like other places to exploit underage models. I don't know that there's exploitation, I'm just assuming, but he was last seen boarding a plane to Bangkok.

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On the corporate front,


rivals filed suit against the company this week in Europe. Eyebrows were raised when the Seattle-based company annexed Czechoslovakia and threatened to invade Poland.

In a related joke, the German company,


, has agreed to buy Right Guard from

Procter & Gamble

. This is an outrage!! How can we sell our Guard to an enemy!? How can we let control of our ports fall into their hands?! How can we...

What? It's a different "guard," we haven't fought Germany for 50 years, and it's not ports, it's (arm) pits?

Oh well, I wrote this joke based upon the best intelligence I had at the time, and I will not apologize.

In another terrifying deal,




hotels. Blackstone and his nefarious henchmen,



La Quinta

, intend to take over the world's lodging! Only one man can stop them... A hero, armed with just his wits, wireless internet, and two (no, three) beautiful women. This summer, Jeff Kreisler stars in Revenge of the $12 Peanuts!!

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here


Meanwhile, European authorities seized the server used by the file-swapping company


. They pinned the tail on that company! Better watch out for kickbacks! Boy, they sure made an ass out of eDonkey!

Hold me.


is importing popular Mexican products like Mananita, an apple-flavored soda. Yiiick. Here's hoping for another Mexican treat, Pinata Bosses. You beat them with a stick until they release candy and sick days.

Ralph Lauren

prevented the use of a polo player logo by an actual English polo club. That's like


not letting Halley's comet go "swoosh" or Donald Trump hoarding all bad wigs and trophy wives.


Rest easy travelers. Even though the Russian airline


will buy a new fleet of planes, its official drink will remain Stolichnaya.

The American Way

Back on the home front,


executives pledged to rebuild half its U.S. stores in order to install detention facilities where executives can feed directly on the blood of the working class. Wal-Mart's new motto:

Shop here, work here, eat here, die here.

Just months after leaving bankruptcy protection,

US Airways

announced a fourth-quarter loss of $261 million. Look,

US Air

, the first step is admitting you have a problem. This is a safe place. Say it with me: "My name is US Air, and I'm a bankrupt-aholic." (Group response: "Hi US Air!")

Employees threatened to strike against


flagship store in NYC. If their demands aren't met, they'll parade in front of the store carrying giant cartoon balloons every Thanksgiving.

They're not kidding!

Electronic Arts

will cut the price of its highly anticipated


video game. Seems market conditions made EA an offer it couldn't refuse.

Moody's cut


debt rating again. But on the plus side, their mileage-to-debt rating ratio is on the rise!!

Finally, the FCC is again cracking down on broadcast indecency. Ah yes, focusing on insignificant issues best left to parents... It must be an election year.

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here


A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler ( is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. In the past year, Jeff has worked with Dick Gregory, on Air America and Sirius Radio, and in the 'Comedy Against Evil' tour. He's hosted a dating show, worked on a cooking program, and developed comedies for MTV Networks. Jeff's a regular on Satire for Sanity, and was featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He lives in New York City with his pet microphone, plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, played college football, and is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties. Kreisler appreciates your feedback;

click here

to send him an email.