Buzz and Batch Hatch a Plan

The end of the month looms, so our fictional money managers attempt to call in a favor.
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Busy day. What are those two managers at the Hot Hot Hot fund going to think of next? I just caught their midday strategy session and it was amazing. These guys may not know what they are doing in stocks, but when it comes to marketing and timing, holy cow, they are unbeatable. Listen to this plan and tell me these guys aren't geniuses. They could have sold New Coke and the Edsel!


Here's the deal


, I know what we do: We call that


guy -- I knew him at


, good guy, real good guy, class president -- and we tell him, "Buddy, we are so bullish on our sector that we are going to launch two new funds, one for down-and-out business-to-business stocks and one for our business-to-consumer stocks."


Good, because we are down about 25% after getting banged on those shorts at the opening. Anyway, we can get those two funds started in time to bail out our current holdings, and maybe take them up nicely before the end of the quarter.


Batchmo, you surprise me sometimes. We can't let anyone who doesn't read the papers know how badly we are really doing this month. When people get those monthly statements they might pull their money. That could send us into a real tailspin that even our

marking-up at the end of the quarter can't help. That's why we are starting these two new funds next week!! Next Tuesday!! That ought to get some performance going. We will simply go out and say, "This has to be the bottom. This is an amazing buying opportunity! We can't be this wrong!"


Oh Buzzy, you are so good. Darn it, I am happy to be in your shadow. What a great plan. New funds!


Steve-o-rino, it's Buzzy from Eliot House, yeah, the House of Kings, hey, I need a fave ...

James J. Cramer is manager of a hedge fund and co-founder of At time of publication, his fund had no positions in any stocks mentioned. His fund often buys and sells securities that are the subject of his columns, both before and after the columns are published, and the positions that his fund takes may change at any time. Under no circumstances does the information in this column represent a recommendation to buy or sell stocks. Cramer's writings provide insights into the dynamics of money management and are not a solicitation for transactions. While he cannot provide investment advice or recommendations, he invites you to comment on his column at