A Belated Naughty-and-Nice List

Lumps of coal for day traders and goodies for the cast of <I>CNBC</I>.
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Yo! Santa! Look, I know I'm late with my naughty-and-nice list. Many apologies, Big Guy. On the other hand, you just don't seem as vital as you once were. I mean with

eToys

and

Amazon

(AMZN) - Get Report

and

CDNow

(CDNW)

, well, you're just so

old school

.

But hey, how about saintnick.com? Sure, you'd lose that homey touch, but who really cares anymore? And, just think, lose enough money fast enough, and you'd be ripe for an IPO! I just know Mrs. C would dig that, so give me the word and I'll have

Goldman Sachs

up to the North Pole ASAP.

But I digress. You asked for naughty and nice. Don't worry, it's a short list because frankly you're not as spry as you used to be. And when you get a chance, let's do something about that suit of yours. Red is dead, SC, so let's get you into some Armani, pronto!

Naughty:

.Com

-- Of course it's a bubble. Of course, people will get burned. I mean, c'mon,

K-Tel

(KTEL)

?? Do I really need the ability to order

Zamfir Salutes Sinatra

over the Internet? The phone was too inconvenient? And, shoot, what's the deal with

eBay

(EBAY) - Get Report

? We already have enough Beanie Babies!!

Yes, I like to shop, too. And sure, I've even ordered plane tickets over the Net. Got the same lousy seats I always get. This is progress?

Still, the fact is, people are nutty about these stocks. And they're buying. But someday there are not going to be any buyers left. And then someone will want to sell. But, who's he going to sell to? Right, there'll be no one there! So, Mr. Seller will have to lower his price to get some poor fool -- Mr. Buyer -- to pony up

his

last $10K for a single share of AMZN.

And you just know when everyone sees that price tick down, a stampede will start. Whoa, Nellie! I don't want to be blocking the door when the great unwashed head for the exit. I lived through a couple of Who concerts, and baby, that ain't pretty.

So, Santa, a lump of coal for all these nasty Internet stocks!

P.S. Don't do anything until

ONSL

(ONSL)

hits $5,000. I'm riding that baby to the moon!

Day traders

-- Let's admit: No one likes you guys!! You're the bad boys of stock. You're not doing anything wrong; it's just that, well, we hate you! You're not playing by the rules. You know, those rules us fuddy-duddys wrote back in the days when a good trader wore white shirts and wing tips.

You turkeys view this market as one big, fast video game stuck in the middle of some suburban mall arcade! You show up with your Marilyn Manson T-shirts, and you just think it's a hoot to run up those idiotic Internet stocks 150 points in an hour.

Well, we have news for you: The game is over. No more reading

The Electronic Day Trader

. No more using Island. No more doing 500 trades a day and scalping each one for an eighth.

Forget all that. Now you're going to do it the right way. The American Way. You're going to sit down and memorize your

Graham & Dodd

. And then you're going to use a full-service, expensive broker paying $300 per trade. And above all, you're going to BUY AND HOLD!

And, by the way, you can save your silly "we're adding liquidity" argument. You're adding nothing until we say you can add something!

Go back to the little holes you crawled out of. We don't like your type around here because you're not one of US!

Santa: 50 pounds of coal for these naughty, naughty kids. And take away their Internet connections while you're at it!

Nice:

CNBC

-- Right place, right time, heck, they're unstoppable! Market goes up? We watch. Market goes down? We watch more!

CNNfn

? They're not even on the radar. Heck, if

CNBC

were on 24 hours a day, we'd only need one channel on our TVs!

And that cast! Why, this ensemble clicks better than those goofballs on

Seinfeld

. You have your smart guys like

Insana

and

Haines

. They add the "depth." And then you have your hunks,

Faber

and

Kernan

, whom I swear I see in

GQ

each month.

Maria Bartiromo

is in a category all her own.

But it's not like

CNBC

is wart free. No sir. For one, they're not traded publicly, so how the heck do we value them?

Kathleen Hays

says something nutty, and we'd say "Short 50

CNBC

!" Faber breaks a story: "Get me 100 at any price!" But, no, we don't have the option. Just that darn on/off switch.

So, Santa, stick some candy canes in that

CNBC

sock.

Cramer

-- Kramer, JJC, Cramu. I mean this guy has more nicknames than

Bill Clinton

has lives. But, you gotta love him. I mean, you're reading my column only because he had the foresight to start

TSC

way back before anyone even heard of the Internet.

Sure, he goes off half-cocked, but when he does, I love him even more!! Hey, at least he has guts. What, you expect those snores from the

WSJ

who appear on

CNBC

to say something interesting? I'm convinced some of those folks you hear on TV passed away a few years ago.

What about those "pundits" on

Wall Street Week

? It's like walking through Madame Tussaud's wax museum, except in the museum, the wax figures have something interesting to say!

And don't we all need an antidote to

Jimmy Rogers

? And who would burst

Jim Grant's

balloon? That's right, it's Cramer!

Yeah, the smart guys whine "the market's overpriced, the market's too high" and what does Cramer say? "Screw it! Back up the truck, I'm buying MORE AMZN!!" No equivocating, no apologizing, no beating around the bush.

Here's the thing about Cramer: Hate him or love him, you're still reading! Because he's us; he's human. Maybe a 1000-megawatt version of us, but he's still human. For gosh sakes, he even roots for those godforsaken

Eagles

.

Santa, you gotta back up the sled and give Cramu all the treats you have left.

So, Mr. SC, there you have it. One N&N list just like you asked. And, yeah, I'll be back next year. Count on it. But, until then, get on the treadmill already.

Gary B. Smith is a freelance writer who trades for his own account from his Connecticut home using technical analysis. At the time of publication, he held no positions in the stocks mentioned, although positions may change at any time. Under no circumstances does the information in this column represent a recommendation to buy or sell stocks. This column, Technician's Take, appears every Monday. Smith also writes Charted Territory, which appears every Wednesday, and TSC Technical Forum, which runs Saturdays and Sundays.