Funny Money: Total Addiction

Starbucks' latest plan to steal your soul. Plus, eBay learns a valuable lesson and much, much more.
By Jeff Kreisler ,

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The

Dow

and

S&P 500

hit

all-time

highs on Friday, capping another week of strength for the resurgent markets. So were the credit crunch and subprime housing woes just a summer fling? A May-September romance, consummated behind the beach buffet of a stuffy golf and yacht club in Southampton? A confused teenage boy in khakis, awkwardly fumbling with a young girl's first Laura Ashley dress? Or will it linger? Do credit and subprime, shall we say, "have to get married"?

Sometimes I think these columns reveal too much about a past I never had.

In corporate news,

Starbucks

began offering music downloads in their stores. It's Phase VII in their Total Addiction Plan. Simply walk into a Starbucks,

once

, lay down, and become a jittery blob of jelly, pumped full of coffee, biscotti, and tepid music whose subliminal messages force you to keep buying, listening, and drinking yourself into a frenzy. Then, when you die, they squeegee out your body's remaining caffeine from your limbs and sell it to the next costumer. It's true. I read it on the Internet.

Just like you did.

Nokia

will buy the navigational software maker

Navteq

for $8.1 billion, because text messages, drinking and the elderly don't kill enough motorists already.

I'm just excited that the road map is going to go the way of the Dodo bird and our children's ability to spell out whole English phrases.

IMHO.

The

Nasdaq

is going to buy the Boston Stock Exchange. Still doesn't mean the Yankees don't suck.

In other M&A news,

Citigroup

will acquire the Japanese brokerage firm Nikko Cordial and immediately direct it to invest in Godzilla futures. Look, I'm not saying that's all Japan has to offer, but if Godzilla movies are gonna be based in Japan, I'm gonna ride that lizard for all I can.

Toronto-Dominion Bank

purchased

Commerce Bancorp

, and because the dollar is so weak, I can no longer say that they got a CEO who was only 60% as corrupt and self-serving as he was in the U.S. It's not fair, dollar!

My jokes, my precious, precious devalued jokes!

UBS

, the biggest bank in Europe, wrote down $3.4 billion in mortgage backed securities, or, considering the value of the dollar, about three cups of tea.

Merrill Lynch

fired two senior executives from its fixed-income division. Don't worry about them. I mean, Dustin Hoffman got plenty of work after

Ishtar

, so they'll be fine.

Elsewhere on Wall Street,

Morgan Stanley

,

Bear Stearns

and

Credit Suisse

are cutting a combined 1,080 jobs. No! The world needs those corporate types to have jobs. Coffee shops are so much more peaceful without them.

Take up arms, my unemployed brethren, and keep our Starbucks pure!! Now download this song and give me your soul.

Dean's Scream, Jones' Tears

The head of

Hershey's

retired. His successor came from amongst five children who discovered golden tickets in his chocolate bars. The winner, David West, was chosen for his business acumen, entrepreneurial vision and ability to outrun Oompa Loompas.

A new line of

Nike

shoes for American Indians has caused a stir because they include feathers and arrowheads. Other controversial design elements: casinos, alcoholism and Joba Chamberlain.

eBay

is writing down $1.43 billion for overpaying for

Skype

. Gosh, a redundant revenue-proof product didn't magically make a zillion times its previous profits? Shocking, isn't it, Facebook?

Dean Foods

is cutting is forecast. Yelling like a madman at that 2004 Iowa rally finally caught up to Dean.

Silver Lake and ValueAct Capital will pay

Acxiom

a $65 million breakup fee for reneging on a proposed buyout. I don't know if I'm more interested in the silly names involved, or the concept of a "breakup fee" and how I never got that from

the ladies

. So I'll just be lazy and joke about neither.

Viva Web 2.0!

The

GM

-UAW deal calls for as many as 13 plants to be closed. Wow, the UAW is brilliant. It managed to redefine the phrase "save jobs" to mean "save them from being held by people."

In D.C., Congressional Democrats are split on how to deal with the housing and foreclosure crises. Some say they should roll over and give in to Republicans and lobbyists now; others propose waiting a few weeks.

U.S. authorities say 99% of the materials used to produce anabolic steroids come from China. The other 1%, from Marion Jones' tears.

The Senate is investigating complaints against health insurers for the elderly. In response, the industry said, "Hey, it's that or we figure out how to run forex scams. Cut us some slack."

Good to see the Senate finally protecting the elderly and impotent, even if it's just because that's the only demographic to which 95% of U.S. Senators belong.

Federal employees are costing taxpayers millions by abusing business travel rules. Hooray! It's this week's winner of the

Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness

. Seems like the government has a lock on it this year...

Annette Nazareth leaving the

SEC

to join the private sector. As to where she ends up, my guess would be to check her most recent rulings. Start with the "Any Company Hiring Anne Nazareth is Immune From The Law" decision, and work backwards.

A glitch at the Homeland Security Department blasted more than 2 million email messages nationwide. It could have been prevented had the President acted on the 2005 CIA report, "Spam Determined to Attack within U.S. Servers."

A graduate of Princeton, Virginia Law School, and the fictitious College of Asparagus Lovers, Jeff Kreisler (JeffKreisler.com) is an accomplished comedian, writer, producer and person. He writes for Comedy Central's Indecision2008, won the Bill Hicks Spirit Award for Thought Provoking Comedy, is in the cast of "Shoot The Messenger," a new show from the creator of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," stars in the "Comedy Against Evil" tour, and is writing "Get Rich Cheating," a parody of corporate crime. Jeff performs at clubs and colleges all over the known galaxy and has been featured at the Edinburgh Fringe, Freedom Cinema, and San Francisco Comedy Festivals. He plays blues saxophone, speaks French and Russian, was a sports broadcaster, taught English in Russia, helped start a non-profit dedicated to at-risk youth, and played college football. After extended stops in cities like San Francisco, Boston, and D.C., Jeff now lives in New York City from whence he is available for birthdays, circumcisions and bachelorette parties.

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