Funny Money: Lumps of Coal -- and Lead

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Here's a headline from The New York Times' business section: "Women's Clothing Sales, Sign of Retail Health, Are Unusually Weak." Or... perhaps our lessened ability to spend on unnecessary luxuries like fashion lessens, has forced a paradigm shift away from superficiality to matters of substance and purpose. Or... we'll just get some foreign kids to work harder so pants are cheaper. Either way's cool with me.

Defense attorneys in the Anthony Pellicano Hollywood spying case claim that key evidence was improperly acquired because it was written by scab nonguild members who received no online proceeds.

Speaking of which, the late night talk shows are going back on air, but without comedy writers. Much like, for almost three years, "Funny Money" has gone on without comedy writers. As you shall see. ...