Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
President Bush announced a limited plan to freeze mortgage rates, mistakenly believing lower payments would allow him to continue ownership of the White House.
In related news, Florida's investment problems are threatening many school districts. Well, if we wipe out then entire public education system then, in fact, no single child will be left behind. Victory!
Of course, one Florida school district has actually been offering students McDonald's food for good grades -- you know, to make sure they're either fat or stupid -- so maybe they're getting what they deserve. ...
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| Dow Jones | S&P 500 | NASDAQ | 10-Year Note | |
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Oil *
73.88
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UP
20.63
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UP
6.40
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UP
31.64
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UP
0.59
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10 Yr
3.55%
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+0.20%
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+0.58%
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+1.45%
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+1.69%
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