Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Big news: The Transformers opened this week. I've got an original Optimus Prime, from back in 1984. No, I'm not selling it. I'll listen to offers, but it's not worth much. Wish I'd kept it in the plastic. Weirdly, that's what my dad says every year on my birthday.
It was an exciting week in business, buoyed by lots of M&A activity and related PE movement. ("PE movement" is when Private Equity has a movement all over us).
The Carlyle Group began discussions to acquire Virgin Media. Great, they've already got our doughnuts (Dunkin'), TV ratings (VNU), and now our Virgins. What sinister plot lies beneath your acquisition of all that is pure? ...
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| Dow Jones | S&P 500 | NASDAQ | 10-Year Note | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10,309.92 | 1,091.49 | 2,138.44 | 32.31 |
Oil *
77.12
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DOWN
154.48
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DOWN
19.14
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DOWN
37.61
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DOWN
0.48
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10 Yr
3.23%
SPDR Gold
115.06
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|
-1.48%
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-1.72%
|
-1.73%
|
-1.46%
|
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