Funny Money: Binging and Merging

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Robert Zoellick, second in command at the State Department, left to join Goldman Sachs. This after Goldman head Hank Paulson left to join the Treasury and then announced he will sell all his Goldman stock. Hmm ... If my math is correct, the Treasury is greater than Goldman, and Goldman's greater than the State Department, which means the State Department should have an IPO soon, underwritten by Goldman, all stock purchased by Halliburton.

Elsewhere, Nestle will buy Jenny Craig in a blatant attempt to get Kirstie Alley more chocolate, er, um, "exposure."

Nestle buying Jenny Craig: Sweets maker buying diet empire. It's like heroin producers chipping in for a methadone clinic. "The sooner they get thin, the sooner they'll feel good enough to get fat again." ...