Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
After making anti-inflationary comments (not to be mistaken for anti-inflammatory comments like, "I need Advil"), Fed Chief Ben Bernanke text-messaged the ghost formerly known as Alan Greenspan: "U were right. They R soooo sensitive. Next wk I'm gonna yell 'Boo!'"
The possibility of interest rate hikes sent homebuilder stocks falling, or, as the Toll Brothers' controlled Philadelphia Daily News reported: "Everything's Great! Build Houses Now!"
Speaking of which, documents show that Guidant execs considered telling doctors about their products' dangers, but decided not to, since that would've hurt their sale price and ability to build screams-of-agony-soundproof mansions. ...
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| Dow Jones | S&P 500 | NASDAQ | 10-Year Note | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10,403.94 | 1,102.49 | 2,195.36 | 34.68 |
Oil *
72.57
|
|
UP
66.89
|
UP
6.55
|
UP
11.63
|
UP
0.45
|
10 Yr
3.47%
SPDR Gold
110.82
|
|
+0.65%
|
+0.60%
|
+0.53%
|
+1.31%
|
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