Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
The FOMC meeting was big news this week, and Ben Bernanke showed a different style from Alan Greenspan, that's for sure. After he announced rate hikes, Bernanke patted us on head, offered us a snack and rubbed us with his furry chin. Hey, that tickles!
Bernanke's also got different code words. Instead of things like "weak consumption" or "await more data," he says stuff like "Run for it!" "Sell everything!" and "Holy crap, we're screwed!" At least that's what I hear.
Speaking of which, the price of gold is soaring, as are the prices of pacifiers, security blankets and escapist melodrama. I have no money, but what the heck is Lindsay Lohan wearing? ...
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| Dow Jones | S&P 500 | NASDAQ | 10-Year Note | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10,309.92 | 1,091.49 | 2,138.44 | 32.03 |
Oil *
77.04
|
|
DOWN
154.48
|
DOWN
19.14
|
DOWN
37.61
|
DOWN
0.76
|
10 Yr
3.20%
SPDR Gold
115.06
|
|
-1.48%
|
-1.72%
|
-1.73%
|
-2.32%
|
Data delayed 20 minutes |
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