Funny Money: Facilitating Disease

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

In honor of the sale of Univision, this column is written in a bumblebee outfit.

In a hostile move, Talbots stole the J. Jill Group from Liz Claiborne, which then said Talbots looked fat, which made Talbots point out someone else wearing the same dress as Clairborne. Then they both reached for pictures of their grandkids, but J. Jill saved the day with a tray of International Coffees.

As for the fellas, Carl Icahn said Time Warner CEO Dick Parsons is "not a media guy," Parsons called him a jerk, Icahn said his dad could beat up Parson's dad and buy him and split him and resell him, Parsons said "shut up" and Icahn said "Good comeback, poopy-head," and punched him in the spleen. That's more or less how it happened. ...