Meet Buzz Gould

Since mid-April, I've been conducting a series of mock interviews with a fictional portfolio manager at a typical go-go mutual fund.

This fund manager has been in the business for four years, was up 100% last year and has consistently pushed the market's pedal to the metal. He is single, lives in Manhattan and hadn't a care in the world until the Nasdaq took a dive in April. His name is Ben Gould, but everybody calls him Buzz because, well, Buzz does! Along the way, I also introduce you to "Batch" Hammer, Buzz Gould's sidekick and head trader. From their machinations on the desk to their three-martini Fridays, I track these jokers' every move.

The goal of these mock interviews is to show you the underside of an increasingly dirty business, in which fund managers will go to any lengths to outperform so they can get more money in. As long as managers are paid by the pound -- meaning they get paid by how much they bring in -- we're going to see the kinds of shenanigans I parody in the following pieces.

By the way, in the following fictional conversations, I've granted myself subpoena power (something real-life interviewers never have), as well as a thorough knowledge of Buzz's business, so he can't snow me in the way most journalists are snowed by these guys. So, watch the proceedings -- and enjoy the truth for a change.

---

Editor's note: The following pieces are listed from least- to most-recent.

The Trader Goes Truth-Seeking
In a mock interview, JJC grills a fictional portfolio manager who got creamed last week.

Buzz Is Still Squirming
Cramer checks in with his fictional trader for another dose of truth.

Buzz Is Pumped
Despite the market volatility, Cramer's fictional trader friend is feeling pretty good.

Buzz Pumps the Market
Cramer revisits his favorite fictional trader and finds him happy to be on the offensive.

Batch Hammer at the Helm
Buzz Gould's sidekick and head trader gives JJC a few minutes of his time.

Buzz and Batch and Microsoft-Monday
The trader plays fly on the wall as the guys go over the game plan.

Buzz and Batch Love This Game
They say they tested the low and are now back in fighting form.

Buzz Bugs Cramer
If Cramer had followed Buzz and Batch, he would have had a much better day.

Gotta Make the Numbers
It's the end of the month and Buzz and Batch have to make 12% in two days. Stand back.

The Final Plot
Buzz and Batch will be on leave for a while, but they've got some plotting before they go.

Buzz Is Back at It
The fictional fund manager and his sidekick trader, Batch, discuss this week's action.

This Market Makes Buzz Cranky
The fictional portfolio manager got creamed by QLogic, and he's not pleased.

>To order reprints of this article, click here: Reprints