Gotta Make the Numbers...

Oh shoot, it is the end of the month. Do you know what happens at the end of the month? Why, it is time for Buzz and Batch to make their numbers! So let's check out those two lovable, mythical characters who run a major mutual fund of the go-go variety. Remember, these two gents don't really exist; they are composites of what I know does happen. I know it because, heck, this is the business I have chosen.

Buzz: "Batchy, one more day to the month. We gotta make 12% in two days. Damn the torpedoes, full Nazzdogs ahead."

Batch: "Oh man, Buzz, aren't you worried that we will take the stocks up and the regulators will get wise to the fact that we are just marking our own stocks to boost performance.?"

Buzz: "Oh, my silly Batch-mo, my silly silly Batch-mo, don't you know that if we ever get caught -- and no one ever has -- we can just say that we expected a lot of money to come in over the transom and we were just doing anticipatory buying? Anyway, we never buy in the last hour of the last day of the month. That's for amateurs. That's like drinking on New Years Eve!"

Batch: "I am in awe of you Buzz. When do we get started?"

Buzz: "Actually, most of the buys I gave you this morning, especially the B2B and the infrastructure plays, those are the groundings for some terrific mark-up activity. I see you moved Akamai (AKAM Quote) up seven."

Batch: (Interrupts) "Actually, Buzz, Akamai was on the list of stocks that the consortium passed out at Privilege last night. All of us in the consortium of go-go mutual funds are long Akamai so we are tag-teaming it up."

Buzz: "Good work. Now that Greenspan is out of the way, how about buying a ton of SOX calls and simultaneously getting the Morgan derivative desk short Rambus (RMBS Quote) and some of the other key names. They didn't give me all of the AT&T Wireless (AWE:NYSE) I wanted so make 'em pay!"

Batch: "I will rip their lungs out Buzz. Maybe even gun some Texan and MOTE right in their faces with some takes at Robbie Stevens."

Buzz: "Touche" (pronounced so the E is silent.)

Batch: "The only problem, Batch, is what happens if real sellers materialize?"

Buzz: "Rest assured Batch. Everybody from Fidelity to AIM is in the same boat. We all need it higher these next two days. You won't see any tech selling. Let 'em rip."

Batch: (grabbing phone) : "Hey Mark, how about a size offering in Intel (INTC Quote) and Rambus calls?" (Click mute button, grabs other phone.) "Hey David, take 500,000 Intel and 300,000 Rambus. Go to work!!"

Buzz: "Hoo-hah!"