Choking on Bill Gates' Hero Sandwich

That Bill Gates is so sweet.

What with saving sub-Saharan Africa and all. Reading 'night-'night books to his kids. Letting his best college buddy take the reins at his software empire.

You think he could come over for sloppy Joes on Saturday?

Late Monday Bill Gates squeaked out another $5 billion gift to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, co-chaired by ex-Microsoft (MSFT Quote) interactive-media division head Patty Stonesifer and the senior William H. Gates. After the Internet pubs went to bed, the Gateses upped their ante when it comes to worldwide health issues -- namely, eradicating polio and finding a cure for AIDS. This follows up their $1 billion September gift that will go to create scholarships for minorities.

Oh, this huggable Gates.

He does this on the verge of an antitrust ruling. He does it when Windows 2000 is just about to spring full-born from Steve Ballmer's forehead. He does it after abdicating the CEO spot at Microsoft and moving into what looks to be a totally selfless role as a software visionary. He's getting back to the code. Damn him!

This is Microsoft haters' shining moment. They're inching toward vindication. They're at their highest and mightiest. They're ready for a little Justice Department-wielded castration of software's most vicious competitor, the company that stifled outside innovation for 20 years.

And he's blowing them kisses.

Damn him again! We should have our rabid jaws locked to the back of one of his baggy sweaters, thrashing our heads back and forth in an attempt to drag him to the ground. But he's not budging. He's not slumping. He's not taking his bad medicine like he's supposed to.

Instead, he's going out to save the world. Fine, be that way. Go ahead and donate a substantial enough amount of money to make us realize that Gates really could solve many of the world's problems using Microsoft stock. Make us feel a twinge of guilt that his stock isn't moving higher, so he can better rescue children with vaccinations.

Expose us as the bloodthirsty ticks we are, just as our engorged bellies deny us the opportunity to hop to a quick getaway.

Squish us with your good timing. Use to your advantage the cumulative effect of all that PR-softening and fur-fluffing. You win. Be the 21st century's biggest hero.

We'll be waiting for the next chance to bite.