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[video] The 5 Dumbest Things on Wall Street: Predictions 2014

Stocks in this article: JPM AMZN IEP SNE YHOO AAPL GPS

4. Volcker's New View

Paul Volcker will be joining JPMorgan Chase (JPM) in the next 12 months.

That's right. You heard it here first, so back the bleep off Andrew Ross Sorkin.

In the coming year, JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon will hold a press conference announcing the addition of the former Fed-chairman to his executive team. Volcker will be in attendance, of course, beaming behind Jamie at the podium before taking the microphone himself to explain his new role at the Too Big to Fail bank.

And what will that role be?

To enforce the Volcker rule of course!

Now, before you start guffawing at the idea of the big guy -- 6'7" in height, although much taller in stature -- jumping into Dimon's den, think about how much sense the move really makes. You'll quickly see why it's a win-win-win scenario.

First off, Volcker gets a nice payday, probably in the $1 billion per year range. Give us a break. Did you really believe he would follow former Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to pissant Warburg Pincus for bupkus?

Next up, government regulators will love having the former Fed chief inside JPMorgan because he will be able to keep tabs on the bank for them. The SEC already learned the hard way that catching an entity like the London Whale requires an Ahab like Volcker and not a bunch of British beancounters. The cigar-chomping Volcker be like their man in Havana, if only Havana was a $212 billion bank currently run from the to-do list in Dimons breast pocket.

As for Jamie's rationale for money-whipping Volcker onto his team, well, thats pure Wall Street logic: If you can't beat'em, hire'em.

Nobody can understand the nearly thousand-page rule except Volcker himself. Therefore, Dimons decision to pay Volcker a cool billion for his services will not only save him hundreds of millions in legal fees, but potentially tens of billions in government penalties.

Put it all together and it's a no-brainer that Volcker will be joining JP Morgan in 2014.

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