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The 5 Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week: Nov. 1

4. Lost & Blankfein

Farewell, cruel Goldman (GS). Hello Saint Lloyd.

Goldman Sachs announced Monday it is discouraging entry-level investment banking analysts from working weekends. The move is not only the investment bank's latest attempt to regenerate the once-pristine reputation it thoroughly impaired during the financial crisis, but also a play to maintain its lock on prized recruits who are increasingly getting overtures from private equity firms. Goldman created a "junior banker task force" earlier this year to improve the budding bankers' work-life balance, said company spokesman Michael DuVally.

Goldman took the first step in ameliorating the working conditions for its highly compensated (up to $140,000 a year!) indentured servants last year when it made its incoming investment banking analyst class full time employees instead of giving them two-year contracts. DuVally said the bank will have 332 analysts in its 2014 class, up 23% from the previous year.

Oh, man! As if all those sleep-deprived medical residents needed one more reason to regret their decisions to spend all those extra years both in school and debt. If only they chose a career in M&A like their banking buddies, they too could be spending their weekends getting bottle service at the Boom-boom room followed by a late brunch at Balthazar instead of serving double blood-soaked shifts in the ER.

"The goal is for our analysts to want to be here for a career," said David Solomon, Goldman's co-head of investment banking, in an emailed statement to Bloomberg. "We want them to be challenged, but also to operate at a pace where they're going to stay here and learn important skills that are going to stick."

Did you hear that future doctors of America? He said "important skills." Stop wasting your lives! Ditch those scrubs and buy some Hickey Freeman suits already!

Furthermore, you don't even have to feel guilty about pursuing a job as a Goldman MD (Managing Director) as opposed to an MD (Medical Doctor) anymore. CEO Lloyd Blankfein has turned Goldman Sachs into a philanthropic powerhouse since the financial crisis, giving away more than $1.6 billion since 2008.

"You have to be interesting, you have to have interests away from the narrow thing of what you do," Blankfein told interns earlier this year. "You have to be somebody who somebody else wants to talk to."

Somebody to talk to? Like a pastor or a rabbi?

Holy cow! He said it once before, but now Lloyd apparently really means it. He wants his Goldman flock to do "God's work"!

So go young Goldmanites! Venture forth into the valley of the Meatpacking District clubs! Spread the gospel of Blankfein to the supermodels, rock stars and Leonardo DiCaprio if you see him at Jay-Z's 40/40 club. And do it with all the speed, alacrity and energy you can muster.

We're not kidding about the speed part. Lord knows you better live it up before Saint Lloyd changes his mind and sends you back to work.
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