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The 5 Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week: July 26

5. Cool Hand Cohen

Picture this Dumbest fans:

An SEC agent kneels before Steve Cohen and begins hammering on the iron shackles between his feet. Silence except for the HAMMERING AND CLINKING. Steve is silhouetted with the bright lights from the television cameras glowing behind him, reflecting off his bald head. The Captain looks past Cohen to the stunned traders in a line before him.

CAPTAIN (to Cohen)

You gonna get used to wearing them chains after a while, Stevie. But you never stop listening to them clinking. Cause they gonna remind you of what I been saying. It's for your own good.


I wish you'd stop being so good to me Captain.

The Captain feeds his fury staring at Cohen then reaches out his hand behind him. SEC boss Mary Jo White lays the subpoena in it. Trembling with rage, the Captain takes a convulsive step forward and brings the legal summons down behind Steve's ear, knocking off his glasses. As Steve leans down to pick up his spectacles:

Don't you never talk that way to me! Never! Never!

The Captain's rage subsides and his voice becomes calm, reasonable.
CAPTAIN (to the traders)
What we got here is a failure to supervise. Some men you just can't reach, so you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.

Nodding curtly, the Captain and his crew turn to leave. The SEC agent throws the hammer down. It CLATTERS until it lands beside Cohen. The group heads towards the door until Cohen stops them mid-stride.
Um, excuse me, Captain. But what exactly does that mean?


What's that?
"Failure to supervise." I don't get it.

The Captain walks forward until he is nose-to-nose with Cohen.
You got something better in mind tough guy?
Well, if you're looking for a nebulous charge that will never stick, how about 'Failure to Communicate'?

The two men maintain their icy stares in silence. Mary Jo White steps up behind the Captain and whispers in his ear. He nods his understanding.
Can't do it Cohen. We're saving that one for Corzine.
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