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The 5 Dumbest Things on Wall Street: Predictions for 2013

Stocks in this article: NYX AAPL GS GPS

3. Stevie's New View

Stand back and listen up, folks: Steve Cohen, the famously secretive founder of SAC, is breaking his silence this year. Not only that, he's going to do it on The View with Barbara, Whoopi, Joy, Elisabeth and Sherri.

Consider the facts and you'll soon see why it's unavoidable that Cohen is headed straight for a couch on ABC to unburden himself.

First, everybody wants him to talk, starting with Southern District U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara. Slowly, but surely, Preet's been tightening the noose around Cohen in a desperate attempt to bust the hedgie for insider trading. He's been staking out Cohen's Greenwich headquarters like it was the Bergin Hunt and Fish Club in Queens during John Gotti's heyday. And when he hasn't been surveiling Cohen in Connecticut, he's been busy squeezing all of his traders to talk like so many high-end Henry Hills.

No kidding. Cohen may have been implicated as "Portfolio Manager A" last November when Matthew Martoma became the latest in a string of SAC employees to be indicted by the government. But you can bet your bottom dollar that Preet would trade a dozen Martomas for a chance to put Cohen's name in that placeholder.

Trust us. Barbara Walters knows ratings. And she knows that if she gets Preet's man before Preet, it's going to be a huge draw.

And Cohen's omerta-breaking appearance won't merely attract the millions of armchair investors who want to know if Cohen's investing success is the real deal or insider-trading trickery. He's more than a one-trick hedgie. Cohen can talk art, sports and relationships too.

He's purchased Picassos and Warhols up the wazoo. Snapped up a schnitzel of baseball's New York Mets. And he's even made frequent appearances on the New York Post's Page Six as a result of his divorce from his first wife, Patricia (perhaps the only person who wants him in front of a judge more than Preet).

Talk about the perfect guest host! He has enough interests to chit chat with every woman on that set, let alone a one-on-one cry-fest with Barbara.

For his part, it makes perfect sense for Stevie to spill his beans on daytime TV. And not because he is a doppelganger for former Today show producer Jeff Zucker.

In a single appearance, Cohen can finally put to rest all those nasty rumors and proclaim that he's not the market's Al Capone to Preet's Eliot Ness. Once and for all, he can tell a studio audience, if not the world, that billionaire day traders are people too.

And if he shows real emotion and breaks down while making his appeal, well, so what? At least he told his side of the story.

It may even get him a reality show on the E! Channel in 2014.

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