Criminal Advice - Never Steal Anything Small: Gary Weiss

It also helps tremendously if you are too big to jail (or even severely chastise). By the standards of their profession, Starr and Samberg are both pikers -- sorry, "alleged pikers." American International Group walked away with $182 billion in taxpayer bailout money, which it has lavished on Goldman Sachs, European banks and bonuses. British Petroleum just pillaged Louisiana, and its chief operating officer gives briefings with the Coast Guard. On Thursday, British authorities found that JPMorgan Chase (JPM) had commingled billions of dollars in client money and the firm's accounts. JPMorgan said it was all an accident. The U.K. Financial Services Authority said it was all OK, and levied a $48.7 million fine.

That's another sign of successful criminal activity: it's large, lavish and brazen, the more brazen the better. When performed on a small scale, it would result in jail time, or at least disgrace and humiliation, but when billions are involved -- well, it's no big deal. When bank tellers commingle customer funds with their own, they call it "embezzlement," and no amount of excuses, or absence of customer losses, will prevent that teller from being fired and, probably, blackballed forever from banking.

To sum up our lesson for today, I quote Jimmy Cagney, "Never steal anything small."

Class dismissed.

More Gary Weiss Columns:

Nein! Germany Wrong to Blame Naked Short Sales

Wall Street's Holy of Holies Unsoiled by Reform

SEC Doesn't Deserve to Exist

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