Five Bizarre Entries in Banking Fine Print

4. Maybe if we're wordy enough ...

Who can CitigroupC disclose your intimate financial details to?

Rifle through its privacy policy and you'll find out: Affiliates, nonaffiliated third parties comprised of financial service providers and nonfinancial companies.

In other words, anyone they want.

Or, as I like to phrase it, companies who employ people without tattoos, and companies who employ some people with tattoos comprised of people with skull tattoos and people without skull tattoos.

Perhaps the convolution isn't meant to confuse people concerned about their privacy. Perhaps it's just that their lawyers are paid by the word.

The bad news is that, outside of Vermont and California, it's standard industry practice for banks to reserve the right to make such disclosures. The good news is that you can limit the disclosures by opting out -- just ask your bank for its privacy policy.

5. Press "1" if you're in immediate mortal danger. Press "2" if the danger is immediate, but not life threatening.

Amid otherwise tedious forms requesting dreary financial details, the IRS publishes question 5c on form 3949 A.

"Do you consider the taxpayer dangerous?"

Filers check yes or no.

Wow.

The IRS found a way to make reporting crime mundane.

The form is for good Samaritans who uncover tax fraud -- perhaps an activity that will become more common since now that tax whistleblowers who uncover significant tax fraud can legally enforce their rewards.

Still -- you have to wonder what they mean by dangerous. Dangerous, as in, the fraudster may be packing when the auditor comes? What do you check if your tax dodger is dangerous in a more sophisticated way? Say they wouldn't come at you with a weapon in a deserted alley, but they wouldn't think twice about engaging in Enron-type creative accounting practices that leave workers unemployed or unable to collect pensions.

Which box do taxpayers check then?

It's a question I'll have time to ponder next time I sift through reams of consumer banking materials.