The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week: April 4

1. Corn Pops, Beans Get the Drop

Corn prices are crackling, and U.S. farmers are saying, "We don't care." According to government farm numbers released this week, agriculturalists across the country are voting with their seeds. Their verdict: Despite enthusiastic political support for ethanol, the corn market isn't worth a hill of beans.

On Monday, the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported that clodhoppers are switching to soybeans as a worldwide shortage on cooking oil jump-starts bean demand. Their soil, meanwhile, has been crying for reprieve from corn's thirsty stalks.

The ethanol plan, widely seen as a clever ploy by politicians to appeal to voters in farming states, has been turned on its ear as farmers give up on corn. Ethanol producers are also having trouble, because their business model now entails converting increasingly expensive corn into increasingly cheap auto fuel.

Market commentators have long questioned the wisdom of using ethanol. They contend that corn doesn't belong in gas tanks. Meanwhile, the cost of corn, a main input in America's best foods (Twinkies, etc.), continues to skyrocket as consumers remain strapped for cash. Beans, on the other hand, promise to abound.

All the confusion calls to mind another time-honored American corruption of the corn-fermenting process. Bourbon, like biofuel, shouldn't be mixed with cars, but at least it offers high profit margins -- and a lot more fun in the bargain.

Dumb-o-meter score: 95. Let's belly up and hope the ethanol policy does the same. After all, drinking whiskey sure beats huffing gas.