The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street

5. So You Want to Be An Analyst?

Assuming a fake identity to gain entry into a rarified high society event is one level of pathology, but it's no mystery what someone would get out of it. There are women with diamond drop earrings and trust funds to meet and, failing that, hors d'oeuvre trays to pick clean.

But to become an impostor in order to ask nonsensical goofball questions on a Wall Street analyst call? Well, the level of pathology required might just be beyond easy description. In fact, CEOs at companies from MKS InstrumentsMKSI to Molson CoorsTAP would like to call the guys from the laughing academy to throw their butterfly nets around Joe Herrick of Gutterman Research -- if only they knew who he was.

A man using that identity has been crashing analyst calls, which are normally as lively as snuffed wicks, and asking questions that sound, on the surface, quite normal (by the low standards of these calls.) For instance, identified by the operator by another name, our Irregular Joe struck on a Newell RubbermaidNWL call recently: "Yes, this is actually Joe Herrick with Gutterman Research. A couple of things for you guys. Mark [Ketchum, CEO], regarding your operational improvement initiatives for 2008, what are going to be your top initiatives regarding lean, mean manufacturing, keeping in the Six Sigma? What effects do you see benefiting the bottom line?"

There seems no pattern of the companies Clueless Joe hits: from MKS Instruments to Molson Coors. Sometimes, the CEO or CFO in question--earnestly, endearingly--tries to answer the unanswerable. Sometimes other analysts chime in to tattle (isn't that what got you guys beaten up in high school?) The real question, though, is what is the point of this financial performance art?

Is it to spoof the jargon that often stands for thought on these calls? Perhaps, but as was pointed out in The Wall Street Journal this week, some of his jargon sounds like it comes more from a business consultant wonk than a financial analyst wonk. Is it to shed light on how hard it can be to actually ask a question on these calls -- you have to wear a mask of a major analyst, then pull it back to reveal a Regular Joe. That seems a reach. And considering that it's all done over the phone, I'm assuming the hors d'oeuvre trays are out. To find out, I'm going to do the one thing no one else on Wall Street dares do. I'm going to come out and say: Joe, call me.

Dumb-o-meter score: 65. Actually, email. You scare me a little.