Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Yes, as reported last week, I'm free of
as of Feb. 4. Please track my columns, books and comedy gigs at
. Miss you too.
0.75%: The interest rate cut, or Ben Bernanke's blood alcohol level when he made it?
My conversation with a jittery market: "Hey stock market, how are...
Sorry, just kidding. Seriously, how's...
Oh my gosh! Look out!
Whoa, whoops, sorry, that's nothing. So, um, are you...
He's got a gun
No wait, my bad, it was a rate cut. So... what's up?"
Good news, America! We still have the ability to cripple the world! No, not with our spread-too-thin military, but with the aggregate power of our poor! Hooray!
It's OK everyone. We're all gonna die. It's just money. Get over yourself and go hug your kid while there are still child labor laws.
And if we are going down, might as well take
stock with us.
Some are convinced that the current crisis is due to Wall Streeters making bets they didn't understand. It's like, "Well, the Patriots haven't lost, so I'm laying a trillion on them winning the Kentucky Derby."
Well, at least the downturn will be a boon for bankruptcy lawyers. What? No more personal bankruptcy? Well, then securities class action lawyers will... Wha? Shareholder lawsuits restricted by the Supreme Court? Well, at least someone will hold reckless short-sighted executives and decision makers responsible. Right? Right? Ooh, sweet racket.
The market is so volatile. Really wish I'd invested my social security savings in it. Actually, this is why I never make any disposable income in the first place. This and the lack of marketable skills... but mostly this.
On to other business world news...
Video games have begun allowing players to purchase virtual items. Oh, perfect. Buying speculative stuff on credit has worked out really well so far. Glad we're teaching the kids how to do it.
The New York Times
ran a piece about Chris DeWolfe, the head of MySpace, being surprised when Rupert Murdoch topped his plan to expand to three or four countries by suggesting 13. Chris, you read the employee handbook. What part of "world domination" don't you understand?
HBO will begin broadband programming in Green Bay. Smart move. Lotta cold, depressed cheeseheads there right now. Nothing like a little
Sex and The City
to cheer them up and get their minds off New York... Oh wait.
The latest departing editor of the
Los Angeles Times
criticized the media industry for its lack of focus on serious news, then asked Tom Cruise what he thought about the credit crisis.
A former Goldman trader of subprime securities started a business placing urns along undersea reefs. Once again, reality wins. Leaving finance to use death to fund the source of life. Of course, that was the plot of the first
movie, but who's counting?
EU regulators are cutting back biofuel funding because biofuel's worth may have been overstated. Wait... businessmen may have exaggerated their product's value in light of an overhyped fear-fed boom? Shocking. Join us next week on
No Duh Theater
when we learn that a kid in a candy store isn't just a bad metaphor, it's also a bad idea.
Companhia Vale do Rio Doce
of Rio de Janeiro is talking to Xstrata in an attempt to use the sheer lunacy of their names to cheer me up. It's working!
might fetch as much as $1.5 billion. Really? For pictures of a gas station? Or is it a Golden Girl? (Estelle Getty, anyone? Thank you for being a friend).