Funny Money: Dark Days
Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
So I'll be leaving TheStreet.com at the end of this month. My final column will run Feb. 3 -- a.k.a. Super Bowl Sunday, a.k.a. Pats' redemption. I'm off to work on many other projects, from my comedy tour to a book to business humor elsewhere. You can keep in touch and keep track of me at www.JeffKreisler.com/blog.
Since these are my last few columns for TheStreet.com, I'll try to slip in more of my own opinions than usual. If the editor doesn't like it, what's he gonna do, fire me?
With the economy teetering, some stimulus packages include more tax cuts. You know, trickle down economics, which is when the rich go to the bathroom on the poor.The presidential candidates proposed economic plans of their own. Despite nuanced differences, they all boiled down to one basic idea: Elect me, and I'll spend billions on a really bitchin' inaugural party. Saudi Arabia and China have all our stuff now, don't they? Good. Relieves us of the burden of decision-making. Now we can just work and work and work and YouTube and MasterCard and work and work and work and never worry about how to spend the money we don't have. Hooray! The Zagat family is selling its guide business. I went to high school with Ted Zagat. Hey Ted, remember when me and Fraze hazed you, faked those phone calls from your mom, threatened to make you go boom? Ummm, just kidding. Didn't know you had money. Love me? In Wesley Snipes' tax evasion trial, the actor said he's not required to pay taxes. Besides, he's been to the future and he knows Bush's tax cuts eventually do become permanent and complete. Which is why he became a half-human, half-vampire vigilante in the first place. Apple's Steve Jobs introduced a new laptop and iTunes services at Jonestown, er, I mean MacWorld Expo. Then, after everyone drank iKoolAid, he disappeared in a cloud of sulfur. General Motors invested in a company that will produce ethanol from "standard municipal waste," or what you and I call "local politicians."
This Will Require a Good AntacidCitigroup lost a lot of money, saying, "Um... Whoops?" Aw, the little banks are suffering. Ooh, poor things. Well, maybe you shouldn't have eaten so much of those subprimes without reading the ingredients. That's why you get a little tummy ache. You just gobble up so much without thinking. Meanwhile, back in Money Town, New York Times exposed the growing number of loopholes that allow hedge funds and large investors to avoid reporting certain stock purchases. See, America, all it takes is a careful reading of the fine print of everything. Too bad we're not teaching you to read. IBM had a large profit, Sears' profits fell, and I wondered what other companies I thought no longer existed would appear. The video game industry is developing a political action committee. Hey, why shouldn't the makers of violence, lies and sex get paid from the makers of pretend violence, lies and sex? Seriously, video games and Congress? They're the chocolate and peanut butter of human control. Besides, an election is really just a video game, right Diebold? Virgin Atlantic will fly a jet using biofuel. Shortly thereafter, Virgin will be bought by OPEC and have an "unfortunate" accident. New York Times headline (yeah, I'm reading it a lot.): "Interest Fades in the Once-Mighty V-8." Prompting auto-buyers everywhere to slap their foreheads and say, "I should have had a hybrid." Yeah, I also remember commercials from the 1980s. Waddaya gonna do about it?
Select the service that is right for you!COMPARE ALL SERVICES
- $2.5+ million portfolio
- Large-cap and dividend focus
- Intraday trade alerts from Cramer
- Weekly roundups
Access the tool that DOMINATES the Russell 2000 and the S&P 500.
- Buy, hold, or sell recommendations for over 4,300 stocks
- Unlimited research reports on your favorite stocks
- A custom stock screener
- Upgrade/downgrade alerts
- Diversified model portfolio of dividend stocks
- Alerts when market news affect the portfolio
- Bi-weekly updates with exact steps to take - BUY, HOLD, SELL
- Real Money + Doug Kass Plus 15 more Wall Street Pros
- Intraday commentary & news
- Ultra-actionable trading ideas
- 100+ monthly options trading ideas
- Actionable options commentary & news
- Real-time trading community
- Options TV