Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
So I'll be leaving TheStreet.com at the end of this month. My final column will run Feb. 3 -- a.k.a. Super Bowl Sunday, a.k.a. Pats' redemption. I'm off to work on many other projects, from my comedy tour to a book to business humor elsewhere. You can keep in touch and keep track of me at www.JeffKreisler.com/blog.
Since these are my last few columns for TheStreet.com, I'll try to slip in more of my own opinions than usual. If the editor doesn't like it, what's he gonna do, fire me?
With the economy teetering, some stimulus packages include more tax cuts. You know, trickle down economics, which is when the rich go to the bathroom on the poor.The presidential candidates proposed economic plans of their own. Despite nuanced differences, they all boiled down to one basic idea: Elect me, and I'll spend billions on a really bitchin' inaugural party. Saudi Arabia and China have all our stuff now, don't they? Good. Relieves us of the burden of decision-making. Now we can just work and work and work and YouTube and MasterCard and work and work and work and never worry about how to spend the money we don't have. Hooray! The Zagat family is selling its guide business. I went to high school with Ted Zagat. Hey Ted, remember when me and Fraze hazed you, faked those phone calls from your mom, threatened to make you go boom? Ummm, just kidding. Didn't know you had money. Love me? In Wesley Snipes' tax evasion trial, the actor said he's not required to pay taxes. Besides, he's been to the future and he knows Bush's tax cuts eventually do become permanent and complete. Which is why he became a half-human, half-vampire vigilante in the first place. Apple's Steve Jobs introduced a new laptop and iTunes services at Jonestown, er, I mean MacWorld Expo. Then, after everyone drank iKoolAid, he disappeared in a cloud of sulfur. General Motors invested in a company that will produce ethanol from "standard municipal waste," or what you and I call "local politicians."