Funny Money: A Very Bad Year

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

First of all, farewell and a big thanks to my editor, Aaron Task, who's moving on to Yahoo! Finance. Aaron approached me in 2005 and said, "Ever think about writing business comedy?" I replied, "Sounds like a terrible idea." Two and half years later, "Funny Money" goes on. It's led to columns, syndication, video, a book deal and much more. I, for one, wish him nothing but the best.

Now, on to the lazy way to fill a column: Part 2 of the Funny Money 2007 Year in Review. See Part 1 here.

November

Businessmen are developing a vineyard on Staten Island. Nice. I cannot wait to pop open a box of Pinot Joey.

In other wine news, Constellation Brands bought Fortune Brands' wine and then triumphantly stood before Middle Earth to declare, "One grape to rule them all." Our fate was sealed when we failed to correctly pronounce "Shiraz."

President Bush may veto a bill to aid workers who've lost jobs to foreign competition. Makes sense. They'll need free time to make home remedies for their sick kids. His vetoes make sense if you look at the big picture.

Companies are pushing an effort to create increased privacy online. But but but... how will I know when my mortgage is shamefully small?

Merrill's begun its search for a new CEO. Um, I'm pretty sure I could lose $8 billion. Gimme a try. If I don't work out... Boom! Severance. I'll take "Good Work If You Can Get It" for $150 million, Alex.