Funny Money: Autumn of Discontent

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Wow, 2007 was, without a doubt, the best year since 2006. With that in mind, let's take a look back at some of "Funny Money's" favorite stories from the year, or at least from the last time we looked back, which was August. We'll review September and October today, and November and December next weekend.

September

No Labor Day parade for me. My floats had been repossessed, baton twirlers outsourced, and my cheering throngs sold to a consortium of private investors. Ah, life in the medium-paced lane.

In Washington, there's an ongoing debate about whether to help homeowners facing default. On the one hand, politicians generally hate people. On the other hand, people vote. Tough call.

The Vatican introduced a low-cost airline for Roman Catholic pilgrims. For nonbelievers planning to sneak on: The pilot drops the plane 5,000 feet midflight, just to get those prayer juices flowing.

People without health insurance hit an all-time high. Oh, I get it. This subprime mortgage crisis is just a brilliant way to make the uninsured seem insignificant compared to the defaulted. Brilliant.

Newsflash: The Nasdaq Stock Market was arrested for soliciting an undercover Euronext in the bathroom of the Minneapolis Airport. The DJIA denied the accusation, saying, "I am not into market-on-market activity."

Arthur Jones, the inventor of the Nautilus fitness machine, died. He's credited with providing millions of Americans with novelty clothes hangers.