Funny Money: Lumps of Coal -- and Lead

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Here's a headline from The New York Times' business section: "Women's Clothing Sales, Sign of Retail Health, Are Unusually Weak." Or... perhaps our lessened ability to spend on unnecessary luxuries like fashion lessens, has forced a paradigm shift away from superficiality to matters of substance and purpose. Or... we'll just get some foreign kids to work harder so pants are cheaper. Either way's cool with me.

Defense attorneys in the Anthony Pellicano Hollywood spying case claim that key evidence was improperly acquired because it was written by scab nonguild members who received no online proceeds.

Speaking of which, the late night talk shows are going back on air, but without comedy writers. Much like, for almost three years, "Funny Money" has gone on without comedy writers. As you shall see.

Rayovac batteries signed a partnership with Disney(DIS Quote), bringing us that much closer to the final battle for worldwide supremacy between Mickey Mouse and the Energizer Bunny.

Tata Motors(TTM Quote) has emerged as the leading bidder for Jaguar, because when you hop in a Jaguar, you say "ta-ta" to your competitors, on the road and in life, thus completing the circle of wealth.

Ingersoll-Rand(IR Quote) agreed to buy Trane(TT Quote). A big investment in air-conditioning. Hmmm. Methinks this doesn't bode well for polar bears. Of course, they own non-voting shares, but still...