Funny Money: Enhanced Ignorance

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Central banks around the world are infusing capital into the banking system to pump it up. The infusion has been through a needle in Roger Clemens' buttocks.

Ah, 'roids. Senator Mitchell's report on steroids in baseball has affected everyone. I admit it. I've been using a performance enhancing drug: Ignorance. Works great, as you'll see below.

The Fed cut interest rates a quarter point, then said they'd do more, then admitted that no one has any idea what's happening, because economics is not a real "science" and that textbooks should come with warning labels. "Economics is just one theory of the origin of wealth. There are others that students should discuss."

Investors weren't initially satisfied with the Fed's cut, complaining, "Waaaaaah! I want more!" until they were given their nu-nu and read Thomas the Train.

UBS recorded a $10 billion write down related to mortgages and sold a 10% stake to foreign governments. Copycats. That is sooooo Citigroup circa early December.

Sure, foreign governments are gathering ownership stakes in our financial institutions, but let's have our leaders debate immigration, evolution and hairstyles. Viva democracy!

Connecticut Senator and (cough cough) potential Democratic presidential candidate Christopher Dodd introduced a new banking bill which, much to my disappointment, did not call for the touching of his hair. It's magic!

Meanwhile, Citigroup's executive choices are great, assuming they're lowering expectations so that next quarter's $8 billion loss looks like an improvement.