Funny Money: Don't Distract Us

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Abu Dhabi purchased a $7.5 billion stake in Citigroup. Uproar over Middle Eastern control of ports, but not over financial bellwethers? Maybe it's too "complicated." It'd resonate more if Met Life got involved, because you know what gets people's attention? Snoopy in a burka.

Confucius say: "In the Middle East, dollars are as prevalent as grains of sand, and worth about as much." Wait … that might've been Confucius' brother Phil.

Seriously, when the dollar's falling so fast that foreigners would rather invest in a losing-$8-billion-a-quarter company like Citigroup, we know there's trouble.

Headline in The New York Times' business section: "Fed to Inject $8 Billion To Lubricate Economy." Ahem. Um. Moving on…

E*Trade received a $2.5 billion infusion of cash, according to a full-color multipage ad in most business pages that probably ate up all that money. Whoops.

Bear Stearns announced a new round of job cuts. Just in time for holiday bonuses! Hmmm, oh, wait.

With the attention span of a teenager fresh out of Ritalin rehab, the Dow was down, the Dow was up, down, up, down, up, down, then it locked itself in the bathroom for two hours.

I tells ya, this market may be bad for investors, but it's going to be a boon for dark humor.