Funny Money: Yes, You Look Fat

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

In a move that reverberated across Wall Street, Merrill Lynch lured John Thain from NYSE Euronext and will pay him $50 million a year to lead the struggling brokerage colossus. Here's Merrill's offer letter.

Dear John: The bar is low. Don't lose $8 billion and we'll give you $50 million per year. Also, we need to include some harsh incentives. If you do lose $8 billion, we'll make you take $150 million to go away. That's what you'd earn in three years, but without getting to work. You don't want that. No sir.

In related news, recently fired Citigroup head Charles Prince will get a $12.5 million performance-based bonus this year, prompting the captain of the Titanic to renegotiate.

Meanwhile, E*Trade may seek bankruptcy if things get worse. Caveat Emptor, investors and customers. Buyer beware. You should've asked what the asterisk was for.

A Federal Judge ruled that some structured mortgage investments fail to prove ownership of property that lenders are trying to foreclose. "Gentlemen, the first rule of Subprime Club: 'You don't talk about Subprime Club.' The second rule of Subprime Club: 'Don't talk about Subprime Club.' The third rule? 'Diversify your investments.'"

Lululemon's seaweed clothing has no seaweed in it. Apparently the high-end athletic wear for people with too much money was produced and marketed by Countrywide Financial. Also, yes, you do look fat in that.

Speaking of Countrywide, they said that new mortgages in October fell while delinquent loans rose, earning the company not just this week's Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness, but also a hard slap across the face.

Speaking of hard slaps, Hollywood studios claim they're not making any money from the Internet, but they've sued YouTube for billions and tell investors that shows online will bring in hundreds of millions. So the question is, are they liars or committing securities fraud? If only they had writers to help spin this...