Funny Money: Obsolete in Minutes

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

You know what you never hear? "I met the most beautiful, intelligent, well-rounded girl waiting in line for Halo 3."

Actually, Halo 3 has a cool concept. If players shoot enough aliens, the game provides health care coverage to poor children and GM retirees. It's almost impossible to win.

The UAW quickly ended its strike of GM once it noticed that the strike created no change in productivity. The agreement is a seminal moment in U.S. labor relations. Worth our undivided attention for as long as... What?! Deal or No Deal has an Internet site?

The deal basically allows GM to shift its health care costs into a fund that will rely upon investment returns. Hmm, looks like we did get to invest Social Security in the market after all. Just, kinda, sorta, indirectly.

Well, at least U.S. automakers won't have workers' healthcare as an excuse for underperforming anymore. They'll just have Katrina, 9/11, Myanmar, Courtney Love, or whatever else comes along.

In case you missed the full-page ads, painted buses, Internet pop-ups, radio interruptions, or subliminal messages (Heroes!) haunting your dreams, the fall TV season is underway. Yippee! Oh, also, there's some trouble in the Middle East and the U.N. is messing up traffic, but Bionic Woman kicks butt!

A BBC scandal has thrown into doubt the reliability of the British network's broadcasts. I hope this doesn't mean the Queen Mum wasn't really watching all those Monty Python sketches.