Funny Money: Obsolete in Minutes

The New York Times ran an article about the "happiness gap" between men and women, to which the Viagra, Zoloft, Propecia industry replied, "and your point is?"

The Interior Department's program to collect billions in royalties from oil and gas companies is rife with mismanagement and potential corruption. Hooray! It's the long-missing Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness! You win, Interior Department. Everyone else loses.

Banks are trying to create a regulated system for trading carbon emission permits, because if there's anything the financial industry likes, it's new markets with -- hope! hope! -- barriers to entry and understanding. You can't skim 10% off the top of nothing, can you?

Sling Media is being bought by EchoStar. Wonder if Sling's inescapable "contest" that had comedians provide free advertisements, er, whore themselves, er, compete for like $6, had anything to do with raising their profile enough to make these millions. I'm sure we'll all get a share, right? What? You're just exploiting the desperation of young artists trying to find a voice in this confusing world? Sweet.

A California court refused to reopen a lawsuit over royalties for Winnie The Pooh because the petitioner wasn't wearing pants and was clearly drunk on honey. Also, his lawyer was a hyperactive tiger and other references to make you feel good inside.

Over half a million more Chinese toys were recalled for having lead. Your children can apologize at the local Chinese consulate.

Chevron will buy back billions of stock as part of its new corporate philosophy: "Nobody makes money but me, muthaf'ers!"

Bear Stearns is in talks to sell up to 20% of the firm. Frankly, you wanna improve your business? Change your ominous name. Try "Bull Easy-Going." Oh, a positive market and a chill atmosphere? I'm in!

A senator is questioning potential kickbacks paid by Medtronics to spine surgeons. Not only do the kickbacks provide financial incentive, but attempting to actually kick one's own back causes spinal injury. It's a self-fulfilling pyramid scheme of pain and goodness. Just like my soul.

The SEC is investigating whether credit-rating agencies improperly inflated ratings for mortgage-backed securities. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the findings of this investigation will win next month's Duh! Award for Excellence in Financial Obviousness. Waddaya think, readers?