Funny Money: Highly Anticipated

Our "elected officials" don't want lenders to market subprime loans to people with weak credit histories. What about marketing subprime politicians to people with weak media coverage?

A congressional panel questioned tactics for selling investment products to the elderly and the Feds charged 26 with defrauding them. It's about time. All this talk about homeowners and college kids made us forget about the best targets of financial scams: the old. Those who, literally, can't take it with them.

Meanwhile, GM cut its production for next quarter, while Chrysler and Ford had lower sales. John Cougar Mellencamp, we need you! Tell us, whose country is this? "This is our country!" That's right. Our country. Now go buy a truck.

Ford began an advertising campaign involving owners swapping their new cars for Fords. Seems reliable. If you can't trust advertising, what can you trust?

Speaking of successful marketing campaigns, increased demand for milk has created new wealth for farmers across the world. Said an industry spokes-cow: "Moo. My teat hurts. Moo."

The price of milk has actually gotten more expensive than oil in some parts of this country, forcing local icons to wear gasoline mustaches.

Dominos Pizza is marketing an Oreo cookie dessert pizza. Oreo. Cookie. Pizza. That's either the worst thing I've ever heard of, or just the motivation I need to stab out my eyes. Stabbing out my eyes: It's highly anticipated.