Funny Money: When Private Equity Attacks

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Big news: The Transformers opened this week. I've got an original Optimus Prime, from back in 1984. No, I'm not selling it. I'll listen to offers, but it's not worth much. Wish I'd kept it in the plastic. Weirdly, that's what my dad says every year on my birthday.

It was an exciting week in business, buoyed by lots of M&A activity and related PE movement. ("PE movement" is when Private Equity has a movement all over us).

The Carlyle Group began discussions to acquire Virgin Media. Great, they've already got our doughnuts (Dunkin'), TV ratings (VNU), and now our Virgins. What sinister plot lies beneath your acquisition of all that is pure?

Och-Ziff Capital Management and Kolberg Kravis Roberts both announced plans for IPOs. So, KKR is going public. Apparently the firm famous for "Barbarians at the Gate" decided that whoever's at the gate can come in, as long as they can pay the cover.

Interesting name notes: KKR's Roberts used to be called Knickers, but didn't think the initials would be good PR, and, according to me, Och-Ziff is Latvian for 8 zillion dollars.

Apollo Management made a bid for Huntsman Corp. in order to send NRA members to the moon.

A group led by the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan and Providence Equity Partners made a $51.7 billion Canadian bid for BCE, the former Bell Canada. Wait, pension plans? Those still around? And what are teachers doing making investments? Hey, teachers! Leave those Bells alone. All in all, you're just a-nother, brick in the wall ... that private equity is building around the world to protect all its money.