Funny Money: When Private Equity Attacks

U.S. airlines had their first profitable quarter since early 2000, and all it took was canceled flights, crappy in-flight amenities, and the worst imaginable over-the-phone customer service in history. I'm looking at you, United. What makes you think I won't spend more money elsewhere just to have a coherent conversation? Yelling the spelling of my name 10 times isn't fun.

Detroit's Big Three automakers all lost customers last month, which means they should clearly keep fighting an increase in fuel economy standards.

Chrysler agreed to bring the Chinese Chery car to America. Chrysler? You still around? Well, at least you're learning: Instead of investing in your own products, just get a stake in the foreign ones. The only things we still make in America are broken dreams.

China. Tired of it yet? Well, don't be. It's coming. And bringing its contamination along. For instance, China is a major exporter of freshwater fish, but much of their water is fouled with industrial chemicals. Hey, China, over here, we just call that "All Spice."

It's not just China's exports, either. Almost a fifth of their food and domestic products are substandard or tainted, or what I call "danger-licous." China also pressured the World Bank to omit data on premature domestic deaths linked to pollution. Hey, it's just statistics. As our greatest hippie Mark Twain once said, there are "lies, damned lies, and statistical lies," so let's not sweat it. Pollution is part of a healthy breakfast. Just add some dairy, grains and chemo.

Frankly, China's strategy is obvious: Eliminate world wide poverty, one poor person at a time.

British lawmakers held a hearing about the dangers of debt leverage in private equity deals, then the lawmakers were purchased by a consortium of private equity firms known simply as "The Colonies."

A federal judge might actually not dismiss charges against 12 KPMG defendants after he learned that they planned to dry-clean his pants.

Gazprom was granted the right to have its own armed security units. Um, I thought they already had their own security contingent, i.e., "The Russian Army."

Venezuela agreed to sell gas to Iran, just as General Zod agreed to loan Lex Luthor some kryptonite.