Funny Money: When Private Equity Attacks

Blackstone will purchase Hilton Hotels and, if we're lucky, immediately jettison the hotel's heiress into outer space. That'd be hot. Also, I hate it when my room smells like smokey underpants. Fix that, please.

Incidentally, "Smokey Underpants" was the name of my high school band.

Meanwhile, Trump Resorts failed to find any potential buyers. Bwaahaahaahaahaha! Guess what Donald? You're tired! (Yes, I mean tired with a "t" as in boring, boorish and irrelevant. Nothing personal.)

The Universal Music Group said it won't renew its contract to sell music through Apple's iTunes, prompting Steve Jobs to release his newest gadget, iDestroyAllCompetition. It's a robot in the shape of a computer virus.

Meanwhile, Brad Greenspan is trying to mount a rival bid for Dow Jones. Apparently, he's tangled with Rupert Murdoch before. Hey, Brad, you hear Rupert Murdoch wants to give me $300 million? Whadda you got?

Nelson Peltz is trying to combine Arby's and Wendy's. Whoa whoa whoa there Peltzy. You can't combine those two! One is a greasy, grimy fast food chain that serves unhealthy slop, the other serves its slop in square patties. People will be confused. And fat.

In other polyunsaturated news, the former CEO of 7-Eleven will now lead Blockbuster with his slogan: "Thank you, come again."

SAP admitted that a subsidiary stole information from Oracle. Not to worry. Oracle said it already knew that, and SAP claimed the info could be turned into Spanish with a touch of a button.